GOD'S `HAPPY MARRIAGE' PRINCIPLE=+
When one marriage partner has defrauded the other,=+
how can the relationship be healed?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. We are both saved, and we have been married for more than
20 years. Earlier in our marriage I rebuffed my husband's
sexual advances quite regularly. Now, he is not affectionate
toward me, very seldom seems to be interested in me sexually,
and is cold spiritually. What can I do to help our marriage
and to help him spiritually?=++

A. There are at least three things to consider:=++

1) Why did you sexually defraud your husband early in your
marriage, and do these reasons still exist?=+
2) What factors caused your marriage to deteriorate?=+
3) What can you do to help your marriage be what God intends it
to be?=++

First, why did you sexually defraud your husband (1 Cor.
7:3-5)? Do these same problems still exist?=++

For instance, when you were first married, did you believe
that sexual relations in marriage were bad?=++

Or, did you know in your mind that sexual relations are God-
given and good, but your feelings were not in accordance with
biblical truth? Did you let feelings keep you from doing in
accordance with the will of God?=++

You should be fully persuaded in your mind that sexual
relations in marriage are God-given and good (Rom. 14:5; Gen.
1:28,31) and then do in accordance with your convictions
regarding God's will, even if your feelings do not agree with
biblical truth.=++

Carefully consider this check list:=++

1) Have you sexually defrauded your husband because of
resentment?=+
2) Did you, or do you now, have resentment toward your husband
because of sexual intimacies before marriage?=+
3) Have you prayed and forgiven (released the penalty of your
husband's offense to God, as taught in Mark 11:25)?=+
4) Has he asked you to forgive him (Luke 17:3-6)?=+
5) If he has asked for forgiveness, have you granted
forgiveness?=+
6) If you have granted forgiveness, have you acted as if you had
forgotten his offense, or have you used it as a weapon against
him?=+
7) Have you sexually defrauded your husband because of guilt
from your own sexual intimacies before marriage? Have you
confessed your sin to God (1 John 1:9)?=+
8) Have you sexually defrauded your husband because of being
sexually abused?=++

God has the power to help any believer overcome the trauma of
being sexually abused. He can use even the trauma of being
sexually abused to make a woman more Christlike (Rom.
8:28,29).=++

Now for the second question that you should consider: What
factors caused your marriage to deteriorate to the condition
that it is in?=++

It may be that the biggest factor in the decline of your
marriage could be traced back to the violation of one biblical
principle--the biblical principle for sexual happiness in
marriage.=++

The biblical principle for sexual happiness in marriage is
part of a basic principle of living. It applies to all of
life, and so it applies to sexual relations as well.=++

The world does not understand this biblical principle of life,
nor does it understand this principle as it applies to sexual
fulfillment. Instead, the world's formula for sexual happiness
is diametrically opposed to this biblical principle.=++

Even in Christian circles, this principle for sexual
fulfillment is seldom understood--and rarely taught.=++

The basic principle that God gives for happiness--for
fulfillment in life--is that it is more blessed (happiness) to
give than to receive (Acts 20:35). There is more happiness in
giving than in receiving.=++

This means that a husband's sexual happiness results from
pleasing his wife sexually. In like manner, the wife's sexual
fulfillment results from pleasing her husband sexually.=++

Since you were sexually defrauding your husband, it seems
obvious that you were not pleased with sexual relations.
Perhaps you felt guilty, perhaps you had resentment toward
your husband, and perhaps your body was turned off toward him.
You did not receive the pleasure from sexual relations that
you should have.=++

Your husband knew that you were not pleased. So, it was
impossible for him to have the sexual fulfillment that he
should have had. Instead, he felt an emptiness.=++

He may have started concentrating on pleasing himself, rather
than pleasing you, in a vain attempt to achieve sexual
satisfaction. It may have seemed that he was wanting sexual
relations with abnormal frequency. If so, it is likely that he
had become insatiable, as he hopelessly tried to get
fulfillment in sexual relations by pleasing himself.=++

It could be that he has even been tempted to become involved
in adultery, as he reacted sinfully from a root of bitterness,
and as he told himself that sexual happiness resided in
another woman.=++

It may be that your marriage cycled downwardly somewhat as
follows:=++

1) You followed your feelings and sexually defrauded your
husband,=+
2) your husband became resentful,=+
3) he treated you with less consideration in other aspects of
life than previously,=+
4) your body turned off even more to him so that it was
impossible for him to please you in sexual relations,
emotionally and/or physically,=+
5) he was sexually unfulfilled because he could not please you
sexually,=+
6) he focused his attention on pleasing himself in sexual
relations,=+
7) he became more resentful toward you and less
considerate in other matters,=+
8) you felt more and more "used" and told yourself, "He does not
deserve it,"=+
9) you became more resentful,=+
10) you sexually defrauded him more often, and finally,=+
11) he decided to ignore you sexually rather than risk being
turned down again.=++

Now consider things that you can do--things that may help your
husband's spiritual life--things that may rejuvenate your
marriage.=++

As you look back, it is likely that you will remember things
that your husband said and did that offended you. Also, it is
likely that you will remember things that you said or did that
offended your husband.=++

Did you get so caught up in your children, their needs, their
wants and their demands, that you neglected your husband? In
what other ways have you offended him? You admit that you
sexually defrauded him.=++

Think back again. As the unforgiven offenses piled up between
you and your husband, did not your "good feelings" toward each
other diminish?=++

Now it is likely that he is full of resentment, and that he is
out of fellowship with God, not having forgiven with regard to
your past offenses (Matt. 6:15).=++

It may be that you can help him to get back into fellowship
with God by asking his forgiveness for your past offenses
against him.=++

Be sure that you have prayed and released to God the penalty
of all offenses against you, both your husband's and offenses
received from everyone (Mark 11:25). Your husband needs your
prayers, and you need to be sure that unforgiveness is not
keeping you out of fellowship with God and perhaps keeping Him
from answering your prayers (Ps. 66:18).=++

Let God put away your bitterness in response to your obedience
to His command that you pray and release to God the penalty of
the offense whenever offended (Mark 11:25; Eph. 4:31-32).=++

Be sure to love your husband at least as much as God instructs
you to love an enemy (Luke 6:27,28). This does not mean that
you have to "feel good" toward your husband, but you must do
good for him.=++

Act affectionately toward him. As he forgives you, it is
likely that he will start acting affectionately toward you. As
you both practice being affectionate, the romantic feelings
will return. If you want romance in your marriage, practice
being romantic.=++

You should be ready to ravish him with your love (Prov. 5:19).
You should determine to do what is right--because you love God
and want to obey Him (John 14:15).=++

As you do right for your husband sexually, you can change the
way that you feel toward sexual relations by using three
steps:=++

1) Pray and dedicate sexual relations to God, telling God that
you are doing it because you love Him and want to obey Him;=+
2) do it heartily (with enthusiasm) as unto the Lord; and=+
3) pray and tell God that you did it for Him, you did it
heartily, and you know He is pleased (Col. 3:23,24).=++

You should know intellectually that you have pleased God,
because God commands sexual relations in marriage, and a sense
of satisfaction will follow.=++

As you practice these three steps, your feelings should
realign to be in accordance with biblical truth, and you
should start to enjoy sexual relations with your husband.=++

It is important for you to:=++

1) pray and release the penalty of offenses to God so that you
will be in fellowship with God (Mark 11:25),=+
2) ask your husband to forgive you,=+
3) be willing to forgive him as he asks your forgiveness,=+
4) do kind and considerate things for him,=+
5) act affectionately, and=+
6) ravish your husband with your love (Your pleasure with sexual
relations are important to your husband's spiritual life as
well as to his sexual fulfillment).=++

Carefully consider all of these biblical principles.
Diligently apply those that apply to your particular
situation.=++

Do all that you can to help your husband's relationship with
God and to help rebuild your marriage, because "ye serve the
Lord Christ" (Col. 3:23,24).=++

Copyright 1988 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed
free or at cost, and if=+
copyright, download, and permission information is included.=+

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