`I'M CALLED TO COMFORT OTHERS, BUT...'=+
I want to help people who come to me=+
with problems. How do I do it?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. I am a compassionate person, and other women come to me
with their problems. How can I help them more effectively?
What can I do to handle the emotional stress of counseling
with them? Sometimes it seems that they burden me with more
than I can bear. =++

A. Perhaps you had an emotionally stressful problem in the
past in which you were comforted by God. If so, you may have
been called of God to comfort others by the same comfort that
God provided for you (2 Cor. 1:4). =++

In many instances, knowing that you care, and guiding the
hurting person to comforting promises of God, provides just
the help that is needed. =++

However, you need to be perceptive to know when a friend's
needs can be met by an understanding friend and when she needs
a biblical counselor. =++

Counseling is emotionally stressful. You would not be a real
person, with real feelings, if you did not hurt for others as
you listen to their problems. Jesus, whose life portrayed
perfect humanity as well as His Godhood, hurt when those
around Him were hurting (John 11:35). =++

A biblical counselor listens carefully as the counseled shares
his burdens. In compassion, he re-lives their experiences with
them and shares their emotional distress. Then he responds to
their needs by providing the God-given counseling that will
ease their burdens. =++

One of the biblical counselor's goals is to help the counseled
be "strengthened with all might, according to his glorious
power, unto all patience and long-suffering with joyfulness"
(Col.1:11). =++

"Patience" refers to bad situations, and "long-suffering"
speaks of the provocations of people. Therefore, God says that
His strengthening is sufficient to help believers bear both
bad situations and irritations caused by others and even be
joyful. =++

This God-given strengthening comes as the hurting person
applies biblical principles to his life and to the situations
that are causing the distress. =++

Thus, after listening carefully and sympathetically to the
counselee's problems, a biblical counselor endeavors to give
1) hope that there is an answer to the problem; 2)
instructions on how to attack the problem biblically; 3)
assurance that the biblical truths will be effective, if
applied diligently; and 4) both courage and faithfulness to do
diligently those things that will please God. =++

It is during this time that the prayers of the biblical
counselor are needed the most. This is a crucial time in the
counseling session. =++

Unfortunately, a biblical counselor is no more able to
persuade everyone to follow a biblical course of action than
your pastor is able to convince everyone to respond to his
sermons. =++

So biblical counselors encounter stresses that are greater
than the stress of hearing the problems--the stresses of
seeing counselees refuse to obey God and knowing that they
have rejected help from the only One who can help them. =++

If you are to provide help for others that is effective and
that provides God's strengthening, you must be able to: 1)
discern the biblical principles that need to be used; 2) teach
the biblical principles; 3) convince them to apply the
principles to their lives; and 4) encourage them to apply the
biblical principles diligently until God's results are
attained. =++

As shown above, one of the most important functions of
biblical counseling is to encourage counselees to be "doers of
the word, and not hearers only" (James 1:22). =++

Wanting to help others is a good and godly objective, but
there are some important cautions to keep in mind. =++

Remember, "to encourage" means "to make firm." You are
encouraging a friend when you persuade her to follow through
on a godly course of action. =++

If you cannot provide sufficient encouragement for your
hurting friends to do those things that they should, then your
counseling is of little or no help. =++

If you instruct them in a biblical course of action, and yet
they refuse to take biblical action, their guilt will decrease
their spiritual power and increase their discouragement. =++

It may help to make your friends accountable to you for
applying biblical principles to their problems. However, a
student will not study as hard for a fellow student as he will
for the teacher who checks up on him. =++

Remember, help that is really effective comes as the counselee
applies biblical principles to her life. This is true whether
the problem is a situation, an interpersonal relationship, or
a personal area.=++

This means that you will not be helping if the only thing that
you do is listen! Your friend may feel better immediately
after she tells you her problems, and each time that she
rehearses them she may feel better temporarily; however, each
time she repeats her problems and does not find a solution,
her problems seem larger and an answer seems less and less
possible. You can actually lead a person to despair by being
a "good listener"--and not provide a solution to her problems!
=++

Be careful about listening to accusations against others. A
biblical counselor listens to accusations made against a third
party so that he will be able to instruct the counselee in a
biblical course of action. =++

The biblical course of action may include: 1) handling the
problem between the counselee and God; 2) making whatever
changes the counselee should make in her own life; and perhaps
3) seeking reconciliation with, or changes in, the third
party. =++

As the counselee takes a biblical course of action, her
spiritual life is strengthened, her problems seem smaller, and
she is less likely to distort the truth. =++

In contrast, by "being a good listener" you may discourage a
friend from taking biblical action, and you may encourage her
to exaggerate the situation and/or slander another person in
order to obtain more sympathy. If so, her sinful behavior will
damage her fellowship with God and she will lose the
strengthening power that He wants to supply. =++

Before being the confidante of a friend, find out if she is
seeing a biblical counselor. If she is seeing a biblical
counselor, you should encourage her to follow her counselor's
instructions (assuming that her counselor's instructions are
biblical).=++

The things that her biblical counselor has told her to do may
not be easy and doing them may take self-discipline. Or
perhaps pride or selfishness may make the biblical course seem
too hard. Perhaps she is indecisive. =++

Perhaps she knows that her counselor's instructions are
biblical, but she may find it much easier to accept sympathy
from you than to do those things that are right. Beware: By
being "a good listener" you can destroy a counseling
relationship and cause the "counseling to fail."  =++

One frequent cause of "biblical counseling failure" is the
person who provides an "easier way" (just talking) when God's
way seems difficult. =++

Your friend needs help; but it is not likely that she will get
help as long as you are willing to let her exert so much
emotional energy in talking about her problems, rather than
doing those things that will help. =++

It may be that one of your friends is calling you every day
and talking for an extended period of time. Probably you feel
a sense of satisfaction thinking that you have helped her. =++

However, after talking to you, she may call another friend,
and yet another. Finally, after talking on the telephone for
hours each day, after receiving a ton of sympathy along with
conflicting advice, after allowing her problems to grow larger
or seem larger because she has not taken biblical steps to
solve them, she may become immobilized with indecisiveness,
depression and despair.=++

Be careful! You may be contributing to her procrastination in
seeking the help that she needs! =++

If you are not really able to help her, being a real friend
means encouraging her to get real help. This may mean refusing
to be a "dumping ground" for her problems. =++

You can really love her by insisting that you care too much
for her to allow her to be without adequate help. You can
really love her by helping her find a biblical counselor. You
can really love her by encouraging her to follow through on
the instructions given by her counselor.  =++

Real love insists that the one loved follow a biblical course
of action. =++

Copyright 1988 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed
free or at cost, and if=+
copyright, download, and permission information is included.=+
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