OVERCOMING ERRORS IN CHILD REARING=+
Part 2=+
How can we correct the mistakes we have made=+
in raising our children?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. We understand biblical principles for rearing children, and
we know some of the mistakes that we have made, but now our
children are more than half grown. What steps can we take to
correct our errors and omissions of the past? =++

A. Part 1 of "Overcoming Problems in Child Rearing" stressed:
1) the need for biblical balance in overcoming errors in child
rearing, especially for children who are nearly grown; 2) two
categories of child rearing failures, that is, failures that
can be seen early in their lives, and those that appear when
the children are almost grown or after they leave home; 3) the
need to understand the child as an individual so that biblical
principles can be used with biblical balance; 4) the need to
approach the problems with wisdom and understanding rather
than from emotions; and 5) the problems of inconsistency and
parental anger. =++

Now, in Part 2, we will consider principles to use in
overcoming past errors and deficiencies in child rearing, and
in attempting to bring about biblical changes in your
children. =++

First, prepare to act wisely. Wisdom is especially important
when dealing with a child who is nearly grown. Acting from
pent-up emotions, rather than from wisdom, can precipitate a
difficult situation into a disastrous one. =++

In order to act wisely, your emotions must be brought under
control. Actions must not be controlled by resentment,
bitterness, anger or wrath. =++

Bad feelings toward the child is one of the most common
reasons that parents fail to overcome problems in child
rearing. Remember, "the wrath of man worketh not the
righteousness of God" (James 1:20). This point bears
repeating: the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of
God. =++

Your feelings are not volitional. That is, you cannot change
them. But God can. The biblical principle is for you to let
God change your feelings toward your child. In order to "let
God" change your feelings, you must obey His instructions. =++

If bad feelings toward your child are caused by offenses of
the child, then apply the principle of Ephesians 4:31,32,
forgive the child, and let God change your feelings (see "How
Should I Deal With Anger?" and "Is Forgiving Forgetting?" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

However, most parental anger is caused by parental
frustration, embarrassment and/or pride; so the principles of
Ephesians 4:31,32 are not effective in overcoming most
instances of parental anger. Instead, parental anger is most
often overcome by confessing the sin of pride. (Principles for
preventing and for quenching parental anger are taught in
"Rest for Frustrated, Angry Parents" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index.)=++

Next, after letting God put away your bad feelings toward your
child, study biblical principles of child rearing (see "Child
Rearing--Don't Just Take Anyone's Advice," "Bringing About
Biblical Child Rearing," "Dare I Spank My Child?" and "How Can I Teach Contentment?" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

The third step in preparing to act wisely is to pray for
wisdom (James 1:5). =++

Praying for wisdom comes after the step of letting God get
your emotions under control, because your spiritual condition
may be such that God will not give you wisdom until you have
obeyed Him in other matters (Ps. 66:18-20). =++

Further, praying for wisdom comes after the step of studying
the Scriptures to find biblical principles from which to
select. Too often, Christians overlook their responsibility to
find knowledge and to consider possible alternatives. Instead,
they expect God to supply both the knowledge of the
alternatives, and the wisdom of selecting the best
alternative. =++

Pray for understanding of biblical principles and for wisdom
in selecting and applying them; but do not pray for wisdom
without fulfilling your obligation to know what God has said
in His Word. =++

After you have prepared yourself to act wisely, you should
prepare yourself for the first encounter with your child. =++

Pray and turn the results of the encounter over to God. Ask
for a Christlike spirit. Tell God that it does not matter what
your child says to you, or how he treats you. Tell God that
you have no right to be treated any better than Jesus was (1
Pet. 2:19-21). Some may object, saying that God tells your
child to honor you. True, but when your child does not honor
you, he is sinning against God, not against you (Ps. 51:4).
=++

Pray for your child before, and during, the encounter. Of
course, you should have been praying for your child daily.
However, you may have not been praying for him diligently
because of a bad heart attitude toward him, or because you
were out of fellowship with God. =++

Be careful that you do not alienate your child by
indiscriminate requests for prayer by extended family members
or the church. Remember, the prayers of a righteous man
(singular) avail much (James 5:16). =++

Unfortunately, your child may be so full of resentment toward
you, and so out of fellowship with God, that he is not willing
to talk to you. You may need the help of a third person. Your
counseling pastor is the logical choice. =++

The keys to reestablishing communications frequently include
asking the child for forgiveness. No matter how badly the
child has behaved, it is likely that there have been parental
omissions, errors and/or offenses. =++

Further, assuming that your child is saved, it is quite likely
that he is out of fellowship with God because he has not
forgiven. Your asking for forgiveness, and his forgiveness of
you, can be steps in spiritual renewal for your child. =++

Your child is out of fellowship with God because of his
rebellion against God and God's command that he obey and honor
you. Your example of asking your child's forgiveness can give
him the courage to ask for your forgiveness. =++

Also, most likely, your child is out of fellowship with God
because he has not confessed his sins (1 John 1:9). Your
example of praying and confessing your child-rearing sins can
be an example and encouragement to your child. =++

As biblical parent-child relationships are being
reestablished, you need to get to know your child as an
individual. Getting to know him as an individual is imperative
to knowing how to apply biblical principles to the situation
wisely. =++

In the more difficult parent-child relationships, the help of
a third person is necessary. Often, a child is so full of
resentment toward the parent(s) that he is neither ready to
talk nor willing to forgive. =++

If a biblical counselor can help your child to get right with
God, then the way is opened to re-establishing biblical
parent-child relationships. =++

See how foolish it would be to attempt to punish your child
into fellowship with the parents and with God. If your child
is fairly young, he can be brought into submission to his
parents in this manner; but the results may be disastrous.
This simplistic approach may result in spiritual, moral and/or
physical disaster for your child. =++

With a child who is older and who has more physical strength
than the parents, the parents may resort to yelling,
screaming, nagging, threats, sullen silence, or telling the
child to leave the home--none of which restores the child to
fellowship with God or with his parents, none of which is a
part of biblical "nurture and admonition" (Eph. 6:4). =++

Clearly, you must act with deliberate wisdom and patience.
There is much to gain. There is much to lose. =++

After your child is back into fellowship with God and with
you, you need to help him to stay right with God. This
includes: 1) continuing to get right with him for any other of
your past offenses against him; 2) making it easy for him to
obey God in His command to honor you; and 3) making it easy
for him to obey you. =++

It will be easier for him to honor you if you treat him as you
expect him to treat you; and so you must apply biblical
principles to parental anger as it occurs so that you can deal
with him kindly and fairly. However, your child should be
taught that honoring you, and treating you with respect, are
acts of obedience to God. God does not require that he respect
you (respect must be earned), but only that he treat you with
respect =++

It will be easier for him to obey you if you are patient and
reasonable in your expectations. The objective is to start
bringing about biblical changes. Just as God works patiently
in His children's lives to bring about changes, so parents
should work patiently with their children. =++

Everyone likes to win. Establish a "win" situation for your
child in your program to structure his behavior: =++

1) Treat him kindly, as one who has let God put away
bitterness, wrath and anger, and who is attempting to
represent Christ in his behavior; =++

2) Establish rules, a few rules, enough that he will know what
is expected of him, enough to help him make changes, but not
enough to discourage him;  =++

3) Establish small punishments, so that it will be easy for
you to be consistent; =++

4) Consistently use small punishments, and thereby avoid
wrathful words or punishments that would spawn resentment; =++

5) Show and express love, both verbally and physically; =++

6) Express favorable, but realistic, expectations; =++

7) Establish a cheerful, loving, respectful atmosphere--refuse
to let problems dominate every conversation; =++

8) Compliment him, express appreciation of him, and thank him
for his good deeds more often than you criticize him, if at
all possible; and  =++

9) Avoid broadcasting problems outside the immediate family.
=++

As your child grows older, acting without biblical balance and
wisdom, and especially acting out of anger and resentment
toward him, can be disastrous. (See "Our Child Is Far From
God" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index for help in working with grown children who are not
living the Christian life.) =++

Warning! Do not lull yourself into complacency by telling
yourself that your child is "going through a phase." Do not
delay. The longer you delay, the more difficult the situation
will become. =++

Start now to make God-honoring changes in your child rearing
efforts. You have no other task more important than obeying
God in providing biblical nurture and admonition for your
child. =++

Copyright 1988 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed
free or at cost, and if=+
copyright, download, and permission information is included.=+
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