Q. We understand biblical principles for rearing children, and we know some of the mistakes that we have made, but now our children are more than half grown. What steps can we take to correct our errors and omissions of the past?

A. Part 1 of "Overcoming Problems in Child Rearing" stressed: 1) the need for biblical balance in overcoming errors in child rearing, especially for children who are nearly grown; 2) two categories of child rearing failures, that is, failures that can be seen early in their lives, and those that appear when the children are almost grown or after they leave home; 3) the need to understand the child as an individual so that biblical principles can be used with biblical balance; 4) the need to approach the problems with wisdom and understanding rather than from emotions; and 5) the problems of inconsistency and parental anger.

Now, in Part 2, we will consider principles to use in overcoming past errors and deficiencies in child rearing, and in attempting to bring about biblical changes in your children.

First, prepare to act wisely. Wisdom is especially important when dealing with a child who is nearly grown. Acting from pent-up emotions, rather than from wisdom, can precipitate a difficult situation into a disastrous one.

In order to act wisely, your emotions must be brought under control. Actions must not be controlled by resentment, bitterness, anger or wrath.

Bad feelings toward the child is one of the most common reasons that parents fail to overcome problems in child rearing. Remember, "the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God" (James 1:20). This point bears repeating: the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God.

Your feelings are not volitional. That is, you cannot change them. But God can. The biblical principle is for you to let God change your feelings toward your child. In order to "let God" change your feelings, you must obey His instructions.

If bad feelings toward your child are caused by offenses of the child, then apply the principle of Ephesians 4:31,32, forgive the child, and let God change your feelings (see "How Should I Deal With Anger?" and "Is Forgiving Forgetting?"). However, most parental anger is caused by parental frustration, embarrassment and/or pride; so the principles of Ephesians 4:31,32 are not effective in overcoming most instances of parental anger. Instead, parental anger is most often overcome by confessing the sin of pride. (Principles for preventing and for quenching parental anger are taught in "Rest for Frustrated, Angry Parents".)

Next, after letting God put away your bad feelings toward your child, study biblical principles of child rearing (see "Child Rearing--Don't Just Take Anyone's Advice," "Bringing About Biblical Child Rearing," "Dare I Spank My Child?" and "How Can I Teach Contentment?").

The third step in preparing to act wisely is to pray for wisdom (James 1:5).

Praying for wisdom comes after the step of letting God get your emotions under control, because your spiritual condition may be such that God will not give you wisdom until you have obeyed Him in other matters (Ps. 66:18-20).

Further, praying for wisdom comes after the step of studying the Scriptures to find biblical principles from which to select. Too often, Christians overlook their responsibility to find knowledge and to consider possible alternatives. Instead, they expect God to supply both the knowledge of the alternatives, and the wisdom of selecting the best alternative.

Pray for understanding of biblical principles and for wisdom in selecting and applying them; but do not pray for wisdom without fulfilling your obligation to know what God has said in His Word.

After you have prepared yourself to act wisely, you should prepare yourself for the first encounter with your child.

Pray and turn the results of the encounter over to God. Ask for a Christlike spirit. Tell God that it does not matter what your child says to you, or how he treats you. Tell God that you have no right to be treated any better than Jesus was (1 Pet. 2:19-21). Some may object, saying that God tells your child to honor you. True, but when your child does not honor you, he is sinning against God, not against you (Ps. 51:4).

Pray for your child before, and during, the encounter. Of course, you should have been praying for your child daily. However, you may have not been praying for him diligently because of a bad heart attitude toward him, or because you were out of fellowship with God.

Be careful that you do not alienate your child by indiscriminate requests for prayer by extended family members or the church. Remember, the prayers of a righteous man (singular) avail much (James 5:16).

Unfortunately, your child may be so full of resentment toward you, and so out of fellowship with God, that he is not willing to talk to you. You may need the help of a third person. Your counseling pastor is the logical choice.

The keys to reestablishing communications frequently include asking the child for forgiveness. No matter how badly the child has behaved, it is likely that there have been parental omissions, errors and/or offenses.

Further, assuming that your child is saved, it is quite likely that he is out of fellowship with God because he has not forgiven. Your asking for forgiveness, and his forgiveness of you, can be steps in spiritual renewal for your child.

Your child is out of fellowship with God because of his rebellion against God and God's command that he obey and honor you. Your example of asking your child's forgiveness can give him the courage to ask for your forgiveness.

Also, most likely, your child is out of fellowship with God because he has not confessed his sins (1 John 1:9). Your example of praying and confessing your child-rearing sins can be an example and encouragement to your child.

As biblical parent-child relationships are being reestablished, you need to get to know your child as an individual. Getting to know him as an individual is imperative to knowing how to apply biblical principles to the situation wisely.

In the more difficult parent-child relationships, the help of a third person is necessary. Often, a child is so full of resentment toward the parent(s) that he is neither ready to talk nor willing to forgive.

If a biblical counselor can help your child to get right with God, then the way is opened to re-establishing biblical parent-child relationships.

See how foolish it would be to attempt to punish your child into fellowship with the parents and with God. If your child is fairly young, he can be brought into submission to his parents in this manner; but the results may be disastrous. This simplistic approach may result in spiritual, moral and/or physical disaster for your child.

With a child who is older and who has more physical strength than the parents, the parents may resort to yelling, screaming, nagging, threats, sullen silence, or telling the child to leave the home--none of which restores the child to fellowship with God or with his parents, none of which is a part of biblical "nurture and admonition" (Eph. 6:4).

Clearly, you must act with deliberate wisdom and patience. There is much to gain. There is much to lose.

After your child is back into fellowship with God and with you, you need to help him to stay right with God. This includes: 1) continuing to get right with him for any other of your past offenses against him; 2) making it easy for him to obey God in His command to honor you; and 3) making it easy for him to obey you.

It will be easier for him to honor you if you treat him as you expect him to treat you; and so you must apply biblical principles to parental anger as it occurs so that you can deal with him kindly and fairly. However, your child should be taught that honoring you, and treating you with respect, are acts of obedience to God. God does not require that he respect you (respect must be earned), but only that he treat you with respect.

It will be easier for him to obey you if you are patient and reasonable in your expectations. The objective is to start bringing about biblical changes. Just as God works patiently in His children's lives to bring about changes, so parents should work patiently with their children.

Everyone likes to win. Establish a "win" situation for your child in your program to structure his behavior:

1) Treat him kindly, as one who has let God put away bitterness, wrath and anger, and who is attempting to represent Christ in his behavior;

2) Establish rules, a few rules, enough that he will know what is expected of him, enough to help him make changes, but not enough to discourage him;

3) Establish small punishments, so that it will be easy for you to be consistent;

4) Consistently use small punishments, and thereby avoid wrathful words or punishments that would spawn resentment;

5) Show and express love, both verbally and physically;

6) Express favorable, but realistic, expectations;

7) Establish a cheerful, loving, respectful atmosphere--refuse to let problems dominate every conversation;

8) Compliment him, express appreciation of him, and thank him for his good deeds more often than you criticize him, if at all possible; and

9) Avoid broadcasting problems outside the immediate family.

As your child grows older, acting without biblical balance and wisdom, and especially acting out of anger and resentment toward him, can be disastrous. (See "Our Child Is Far From God" for help in working with grown children who are not living the Christian life.)

Warning! Do not lull yourself into complacency by telling yourself that your child is "going through a phase." Do not delay. The longer you delay, the more difficult the situation will become.

Start now to make God-honoring changes in your child rearing efforts. You have no other task more important than obeying God in providing biblical nurture and admonition for your child.

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