OVERCOMING ERRORS IN CHILD REARING=+
Part 1=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. We understand biblical principles for rearing children, and
we know some of the mistakes that we have made, but now our
children are more than half grown. What steps can we take to
correct our errors and omissions of the past? =++

A. Nothing is more crucial to the vitality and future growth
of Christianity than Christian parents "bringing their
children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." And
yet, in too many instances, parents are failing in this, and
churches are failing in their efforts to help parents. Thus
children of Christians are ending up following the world
instead of Christ!=++

Child-rearing methods should be both biblical and in biblical
balance. =++

Biblical balance means that principles are selected from among
those God has given and are applied with wisdom (see "Child
Rearing--Don't Just Take Anyone's Advice" and "Bringing About
Biblical Child Rearing" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index
for biblical principles of child rearing). =++

Further, the principles that you need to apply to your child-
rearing efforts should be selected and applied to meet the
needs of your children, their particular problems, and your
past failures. This is especially so if they are almost grown.
=++

A bad situation with children who are almost grown can be made
into a disastrous one by applying one principle that is
biblical, and by ignoring another biblical principle that is
equally important, or that applies especially to your child,
his problems or your failures. =++

It would be simplistic, and out of biblical balance, to think
that one biblical principle should be used to correct
diametrically opposite mistakes that different parents have
made, or to correct different problems of different children.
=++

The goal of this column is to help you, and to help others: 1)
use biblical truth in biblical balance, 2) avoid as many
child-rearing problems as possible, 3) deal wisely with
problems in child rearing, and 4) restore older children, and
even adult children, to fellowship with both God and their
parents. =++

Failures in child rearing can be divided into two categories,
based on the time frame in which the failures are evidenced
rather than on the biblical principles that the parents have
violated. =++

In one type of child-rearing failure, it is quite evident
through the years that child-rearing efforts are deficient,
because the children are disobedient and disrespectful. These
evidences appear in children even younger than two years.
Probably, the parents have never gotten control of the child.
Instead, it is likely that the child has controlled the
parents almost since birth. =++

In another type of child-rearing failure, the child is
obedient and respectful. =++

He may even express love for his parents. However, underneath
he is seething with resentment. He may have been saved at an
early age, he may be faithful in Sunday school and church
attendance, he may be outstanding in an apparent devotion to
spiritual things; but these good evidences may disappear in
rebellion against parents, against God, and/or against
society, when he approaches the teen years, during the teen
years, or after he has left home. =++

Then it becomes apparent that the child was merely acting the
role that brought him the most favorable responses. He was
acting the role of an obedient and godly child until he was
ready to assert his independence from his parents' authority
and his parents' God. =++

So, some failures in child rearing are quite apparent when the
children are young, and other failures in child rearing become
apparent later. =++

Convincing evidences of biblical and successful child rearing
can be seen only after the child has gone through the teen
years and has become a God-loving adult. =++

Therefore, in order to know now whether or not your child-
rearing is in biblical balance, and to avoid future grief, you
must understand your child as an individual. =++

If your child is disrespectful and disobedient, you need to
understand him as an individual in order to apply biblical
principles with biblical balance. =++

For instance, if your child believes that you have been unfair
in your dealings with him, to become harsher in your treatment
of him may be successful in driving his ungodly behavior
underground temporarily; but the failure of your simplistic
child-rearing efforts may surface in a disastrous manner when
your child is older. =++

Even if your child appears to be without any behavior or
attitude problems, you still need to understand him as an
individual in order to avoid child-rearing failures that might
be manifest when he is older. =++

Understanding children as individuals is not equivalent to
rationalizing sinful behavior. Rather, it is a way of knowing
which biblical principles need to be applied, and how to apply
them--even if problems have not yet surfaced. =++

Consider an example of an adult who had problems in his
childhood, but whose problems did not surface until later:=++

The parents of this adult child, who was living far from God,
went to him and asked him to tell them how they had failed
him, or had offended him, as he was growing up. At first he
protested that he loved them and that they had been good
parents. However, after persisting that he tell them, "It was
like a dam breaking." He had been full of resentment for many
years over alleged unfairness of the parents. =++

These parents were attempting to be godly in dealing with
their children, but they had not known their boy as an
individual. They could not use biblical principles in biblical
balance because they did not know their son as an individual
who had individual problems. =++

Wisdom and understanding should govern child-rearing efforts.
=++

Unfortunately, the child-rearing efforts of many parents vary
according to the way the parents feel at a given time. The
result is inconsistency in discipline, which does not
represent biblical balance, understanding of the child, nor
wisdom. =++

Of course, inconsistency in disciplining children sometimes
has its roots in a lack of discipline in the parents' lives.
The parents may not be disciplined in any other area of their
lives, so their child-discipline efforts follow this
"life-dominating pattern." =++

However, inconsistency in disciplining children quite
frequently has its roots in the "nothing but" idea of child
rearing. Some parents, and some who are teaching parents, do
not seem to realize that: 1) there are other ways of
disciplining children in addition to spanking; 2) the goal is
to achieve God's results by using whatever of His principles
are best for that child in a particular situation; and 3) it
is almost impossible to be consistent in child discipline if
all the parent knows to do is to spank (see "Dare I Spank My
Child?" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

The "spank-only" syndrome commonly results in evaluating each
instance of disobedience as to whether or not "it is bad
enough to spank this time." =++
In practice, whether or not "it is bad enough to spank this
time" often depends upon how frustrated, embarrassed or angry
the parent is at the time. So, wisdom, biblical balance and
understanding of the child are inundated by feeling-oriented
actions and, quite likely, by wrathful reactions of the
parent(s). =++

With younger children, the tendency is toward spanking as the
only type of disciplinary action, and with teens the tendency
is to use "grounding" (being confined to a room, not being
allowed to be with friends, not being allowed to use the car
and so forth) as the only type of punishment. =++

Spanking, or long periods of "grounding," as the only method
of child-discipline commonly is accompanied by nagging,
yelling, screaming, berating, belittling, threatening, and/or
being sullen and resentful toward the child, and then carrying
out wrathful and harsh disciplinary action after becoming "fed
up" with the child's behavior. =++

Then, a cycle starts in which there is: 1) laxness in
discipline; 2) the child becomes uneasy, wondering if the
parent loves him enough to discipline him; 3) he escalates his
sinful behavior to find the "disobedience limit;" 4) the
parent becomes exasperated and angry; 5) the parent punishes
out of anger, and feels guilty for punishing angrily and
perhaps with undue harshness; 6) the child becomes resentful
because of the inconsistency, and perhaps for being punished
unjustly; and 7) a new cycle of inconsistency starts. =++

Parental inconsistency commonly results in parental anger. =++

Counseling experience with parents, children, teens and grown
children shows what should be evident by merely considering
biblical truth: Man's wrath does not work God's righteousness
(James 1:20). =++

Parental anger usually has its roots in parental sin; and
parental anger all too often results in sinful behavior and/or
in unjust punishment (see "Rest for Frustrated, Angry
Parents" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

Make no mistake about it--parental anger seldom portrays a
righteous God to children. Instead, parental anger is a major
problem in a high percentage of counseling cases involving
child-rearing problems. =++

In Part 2 we will consider principles to use in overcoming
past errors and deficiencies in child rearing, and in
attempting to bring about biblical changes in your children.
=++

In the meantime, if you have any anger or resentment toward
your children, or if you have any tendencies in this
direction, work it out between you and God. Then pray for
wisdom and proceed carefully. (If possible, wait to read Part
2 before taking any drastic steps.) =++

Copyright 1988 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed
free or at cost, and if=+
copyright, download, and permission information is included.=+
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