Q. We understand biblical principles for rearing children, and we know some of the mistakes that we have made, but now our children are more than half grown. What steps can we take to correct our errors and omissions of the past?

A. Nothing is more crucial to the vitality and future growth of Christianity than Christian parents "bringing their children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." And yet, in too many instances, parents are failing in this, and churches are failing in their efforts to help parents. Thus children of Christians are ending up following the world instead of Christ!

Child-rearing methods should be both biblical and in biblical balance.

Biblical balance means that principles are selected from among those God has given and are applied with wisdom (see "Child Rearing--Don't Just Take Anyone's Advice" and "Bringing About Biblical Child Rearing" for biblical principles of child rearing).

Further, the principles that you need to apply to your child- rearing efforts should be selected and applied to meet the needs of your children, their particular problems, and your past failures. This is especially so if they are almost grown.

A bad situation with children who are almost grown can be made into a disastrous one by applying one principle that is biblical, and by ignoring another biblical principle that is equally important, or that applies especially to your child, his problems or your failures.

It would be simplistic, and out of biblical balance, to think that one biblical principle should be used to correct diametrically opposite mistakes that different parents have made, or to correct different problems of different children.

The goal of this column is to help you, and to help others: 1) use biblical truth in biblical balance, 2) avoid as many child-rearing problems as possible, 3) deal wisely with problems in child rearing, and 4) restore older children, and even adult children, to fellowship with both God and their parents.

Failures in child rearing can be divided into two categories, based on the time frame in which the failures are evidenced rather than on the biblical principles that the parents have violated.

In one type of child-rearing failure, it is quite evident through the years that child-rearing efforts are deficient, because the children are disobedient and disrespectful. These evidences appear in children even younger than two years. Probably, the parents have never gotten control of the child. Instead, it is likely that the child has controlled the parents almost since birth.

In another type of child-rearing failure, the child is obedient and respectful.

He may even express love for his parents. However, underneath he is seething with resentment. He may have been saved at an early age, he may be faithful in Sunday school and church attendance, he may be outstanding in an apparent devotion to spiritual things; but these good evidences may disappear in rebellion against parents, against God, and/or against society, when he approaches the teen years, during the teen years, or after he has left home.

Then it becomes apparent that the child was merely acting the role that brought him the most favorable responses. He was acting the role of an obedient and godly child until he was ready to assert his independence from his parents' authority and his parents' God.

So, some failures in child rearing are quite apparent when the children are young, and other failures in child rearing become apparent later.

Convincing evidences of biblical and successful child rearing can be seen only after the child has gone through the teen years and has become a God-loving adult.

Therefore, in order to know now whether or not your child- rearing is in biblical balance, and to avoid future grief, you must understand your child as an individual.

If your child is disrespectful and disobedient, you need to understand him as an individual in order to apply biblical principles with biblical balance.

For instance, if your child believes that you have been unfair in your dealings with him, to become harsher in your treatment of him may be successful in driving his ungodly behavior underground temporarily; but the failure of your simplistic child-rearing efforts may surface in a disastrous manner when your child is older.

Even if your child appears to be without any behavior or attitude problems, you still need to understand him as an individual in order to avoid child-rearing failures that might be manifest when he is older.

Understanding children as individuals is not equivalent to rationalizing sinful behavior. Rather, it is a way of knowing which biblical principles need to be applied, and how to apply them--even if problems have not yet surfaced.

Consider an example of an adult who had problems in his childhood, but whose problems did not surface until later:

The parents of this adult child, who was living far from God, went to him and asked him to tell them how they had failed him, or had offended him, as he was growing up. At first he protested that he loved them and that they had been good parents. However, after persisting that he tell them, "It was like a dam breaking." He had been full of resentment for many years over alleged unfairness of the parents.

These parents were attempting to be godly in dealing with their children, but they had not known their boy as an individual. They could not use biblical principles in biblical balance because they did not know their son as an individual who had individual problems.

Wisdom and understanding should govern child-rearing efforts.

Unfortunately, the child-rearing efforts of many parents vary according to the way the parents feel at a given time. The result is inconsistency in discipline, which does not represent biblical balance, understanding of the child, nor wisdom.

Of course, inconsistency in disciplining children sometimes has its roots in a lack of discipline in the parents' lives. The parents may not be disciplined in any other area of their lives, so their child-discipline efforts follow this "life-dominating pattern."

However, inconsistency in disciplining children quite frequently has its roots in the "nothing but" idea of child rearing. Some parents, and some who are teaching parents, do not seem to realize that: 1) there are other ways of disciplining children in addition to spanking; 2) the goal is to achieve God's results by using whatever of His principles are best for that child in a particular situation; and 3) it is almost impossible to be consistent in child discipline if all the parent knows to do is to spank (see "Dare I Spank My Child?").

The "spank-only" syndrome commonly results in evaluating each instance of disobedience as to whether or not "it is bad enough to spank this time."

In practice, whether or not "it is bad enough to spank this time" often depends upon how frustrated, embarrassed or angry the parent is at the time. So, wisdom, biblical balance and understanding of the child are inundated by feeling-oriented actions and, quite likely, by wrathful reactions of the parent(s).

With younger children, the tendency is toward spanking as the only type of disciplinary action, and with teens the tendency is to use "grounding" (being confined to a room, not being allowed to be with friends, not being allowed to use the car and so forth) as the only type of punishment.

Spanking, or long periods of "grounding," as the only method of child-discipline commonly is accompanied by nagging, yelling, screaming, berating, belittling, threatening, and/or being sullen and resentful toward the child, and then carrying out wrathful and harsh disciplinary action after becoming "fed up" with the child's behavior.

Then, a cycle starts in which there is: 1) laxness in discipline; 2) the child becomes uneasy, wondering if the parent loves him enough to discipline him; 3) he escalates his sinful behavior to find the "disobedience limit;" 4) the parent becomes exasperated and angry; 5) the parent punishes out of anger, and feels guilty for punishing angrily and perhaps with undue harshness; 6) the child becomes resentful because of the inconsistency, and perhaps for being punished unjustly; and 7) a new cycle of inconsistency starts.

Parental inconsistency commonly results in parental anger.

Counseling experience with parents, children, teens and grown children shows what should be evident by merely considering biblical truth: Man's wrath does not work God's righteousness (James 1:20).

Parental anger usually has its roots in parental sin; and parental anger all too often results in sinful behavior and/or in unjust punishment (see "Rest for Frustrated, Angry Parents").

Make no mistake about it--parental anger seldom portrays a righteous God to children. Instead, parental anger is a major problem in a high percentage of counseling cases involving child-rearing problems.

In Part 2 we will consider principles to use in overcoming past errors and deficiencies in child rearing, and in attempting to bring about biblical changes in your children.

In the meantime, if you have any anger or resentment toward your children, or if you have any tendencies in this direction, work it out between you and God. Then pray for wisdom and proceed carefully. (If possible, wait to read Part 2 before taking any drastic steps.)

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