Q. There are long-standing problems between some of the members of our family. What biblical principles should I use to help mend these family differences?

A. Your primary goal should be to glorify God by your attitude whether or not you are able to bring about healing in family relationships. Remember! Jesus said that He came to divide families (Matt. 10:34-37). As sad as it is for those who are affected, putting God first sometimes means not being able to be reconciled to family.

To a large extent, solving problems in interpersonal relationships is achieved by communications. Being able to communicate with each other must be one of the major ways in which God has created man in His own image. As sinners saved by grace, we even have the opportunity to glorify God by interpersonal communications, whether it be by spoken or written words.

Unfortunately, there are words that neither glorify God nor build others up in the faith. Instead, they harm others. In Proverbs we read: "There is that speaketh like the piercing of a sword" (12:18).

Medical science now knows that there are as many as 50 physical diseases that begin as mental stress--nonbiblical handling of life's problems. These diseases are called "psychosomatic" diseases. The word "psychosomatic" is formed from the Greek words for "mind" and "body." Thus, quite literally, they are "mind-body" diseases.

Proverbs 12:18 also teaches the converse of this truth: "But the tongue of the wise is health." That is, good health tends to result from pleasant words--from words that calm the spirit of the hearer, as opposed to words that cause mental stress.

Also, Proverbs says that "pleasant words are as an honeycomb, sweet to the soul, and health to the bones" (16:24). Paraphrased, "Pleasant words make life more enjoyable and even promote good health to the hearer."

Often the words that are like "piercing of a sword" are words spoken from anger or jealousy, or from some other sinful heart attitude problem.

But, for whatever reason, words can cause deep and lasting wounds. A man who at that time was no longer in the church told me, with tears in his eyes, about the derogatory verbal "put down" from a deacon many years earlier.

Sometimes those who have bad feelings toward another will try to mask their hurtful words by pretending to be joking. It is difficult to know for sure, but it may be that Proverbs 26:18,19 should be translated: "Like a madman who casts firebrands, arrows and death, even so is the man who verbally attacks his neighbor and then tries to cover up his motive by saying, `I was just joking.'"

There is a tendency by those in the world to attack another in a joking manner in order to be "funny," or perhaps to call attention to self. The one who is the victim of this "funny" is expected to laugh and take it as a "good sport," even if he is deeply hurt and "crying on the inside."

A man representing a Bible college went to a church for the purpose of telling the congregation that his Bible college stood for the truth. Then, to get the attention of the congregation, he told a story about the pastor's wife that was not only untrue but degrading to her.

What a contradiction! Sometimes those who desire to minister God's truth, to minister to the needs of others, and to glorify God with their lives, follow the example of the world in saying things that do not glorify God, that do not build up others in the faith, and that hurt some of their victims deeply. By their example, they teach children, youth and new believers that Christians are to handle truth carelessly--in direct contradiction to biblical teaching (Matt. 12:36).

Words spoken by Christians: 1) are to be true (Eph. 4:15); 2) are to be spoken in love (v. 15); 3) are to meet the needs of others and to build them up--"good to the use of edifying" (v. 29), and 4) are to "minister grace unto the hearers" (v. 29).

Here's an important principle in communications: Do not attack the person--"no corrupt words" (v. 29), but attack the problem--"good to the use of edifying (v. 29).

When a person says, "you always" or "you never," the other person will perceive of the words as an attack--and usually, "always" and "never" are exaggerations.

Further, saying "you always" or "you never" is contrary to the teaching that agape love does not keep records of offenses received--"thinketh no evil" (1 Cor. 13:5). How can a person know that the other person "always" does the wrong thing, or "never" does the right thing unless he is keeping records?

James said that the tongue is a fire, that it corrupts the whole person, and that no man can tame it (James 3:6-8). But God can tame the tongue. Paul taught that Christians are to let God put away "all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor [contentious arguing], and evil speaking [slander], with all malice [bad heart attitude]" that causes these five things (Eph. 4:31).

The command in Ephesians 4:31 is not a command to "do," but a command to "let God do it." Then, in Ephesians 4:32, Christians are commanded to forgive when offended. The principle is that God changes the heart attitude problem and takes away the bitterness, wrath,anger, clamor and evil speaking--after a Christian is obedient to God's command to forgive others.

Therefore, remember the most important rule in communications: Do not attempt to solve any stressful problem by communications until you have dealt with God about the problem, and until He has taken away the bad heart attitude and has given you a peaceable spirit.

Bad feelings toward others may be because of personal sins instead of (or in addition to) offenses of others. In such cases, confession of sin is required to eliminate the bad feelings (see "Cure For a Contentious Spirit").

Some say that "not letting the sun go down on your wrath" means that problems are to be solved by communications before bedtime. However, taking care of wrath "before the sun goes down" is to be done by forgiveness and/or confession of sin, not by communications.

It is unrealistic to believe that differences of opinion and problems with others are to be resolved "before the sun goes down." Paul and Barnabas did not agree on using Mark for a given task at a given time. Their difference of opinion lasted long beyond sundown and even divided their ministries (Acts 15:36-40).

You may never come to a meeting of the minds with some of your relatives on some issues, but the way that Christians treat differences of opinion should be to the glory of God (Matt. 5:16) and never to the delight of Satan.

After you have prayed and forgiven with regard to all offenses against you, you can help others by asking them to forgive your offenses against them, whether they are saved or unsaved.

Talk to those who are more easily entreated than others and who tend to be peacemakers. Ask them to approach other family members and ask forgiveness for their offenses against them.

That is, work toward getting each family member to forgive the cutting words and offensive actions of other members before they attempt to communicate.

An important principle of interpersonal relationships is to determine whether or not to talk to the other person about a given problem. Is it good for him that I talk to him about it? If I talk to him about the problem, is it speaking the truth in agape love (purposefully for his good)?

Why do I want to talk to him about the problem? Do I have a proud or selfish motive? Agape love is not proud or selfish (1 Cor. 13:4). Think about arguing. Are not most arguments a prideful attempt to show oneself smarter (or even more spiritual) than the other person, or a selfish attempt to get one's own way?

Of course, the antidote for pride, selfishness and other sins, is to confess the sin, and then let God cleanse the sinful walk or attitude (1 John 1:9).

Some Christians have the ability to say gracious things and to put others at ease in strange or stressful situations. Others need to practice communicating graciously. Unless you have the ability to communicate graciously, you should practice what you are going to say before approaching members of your family.

With most people, problems in communications are caused by the old sin nature. So the first, most basic, and most important principle in communications is this: If it is a stressful situation, or if it could become stressful, talk to God about the problem first. Let Him change your heart attitude, then talk to the other person about it--if it is for his good or for the good of another or if it will bring glory to God.

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