CURE FOR A CONTENTIOUS SPIRIT=+
What should you do to avoid developing a contentious spirit=+
when you are wronged?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. I have an elderly parent who is moody, contentious and
generally unsocial. What causes this? How can Christians
prevent or overcome an argumentative and contentious spirit?
=++

A.  The elderly and shut-ins often have physical problems that
can affect their emotions and can also make it more difficult
for them to be pleasant. In addition, mood-altering
medications can cause them to behave differently than they
normally would. Just as a sober man may exhibit a kind and
gentle spirit, but become angry and violent when drunk, some
people show aggressive behavior when taking a mood-altering
medication. =++

Therefore, you should consult your parent's doctor to see if
there are any physical problems, or any medications, that
could be adversely affecting his emotions or contributing to
his antisocial behavior. See "Don't Shut Out the Shut-
In" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index.=++

Or, there may be a present situation in life that is causing
him emotional stress. If he is in a health-care facility,
visit him at unexpected times to be sure that the care is what
it appears to be during regularly scheduled visits. The
physical care may not be adequate, or the way that he is being
treated may be without love and personal concern. It may even
be degrading. =++

Many elderly and shut-ins are worrying about physical or
financial problems. Others spend long and lonely days and
painful nights. =++

And yet, Jesus said, "My peace I give unto you" (John 14:27).
With all of the uncertainty and trauma that faces mankind,
Jesus still offers a peaceful spirit for those who depend upon
Him. =++

My wife has a God-given gift for working with people in
nursing homes; and she can tell interesting stories of
infirmed, elderly people who have changed from being agitated
to being at peace after they have had a right relationship
with God, and after they have had the assurance of a right
relationship with Him. =++

Doubtless there can be a feeling of helplessness, uselessness
and frustration in having physical limitations that preclude
an active and a fruitful life (as seen by worldly standards).
For those who have a desire to serve the Lord, there can be
the added frustration in feeling that any worthwhile service
to God is over. =++

Those who would like to serve the Lord, but think that they
cannot serve because of physical limitations, should be put to
work--most likely in a prayer ministry (see "Don't Shut
Out the Shut-In" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

Some are saved but have not grown to the point in their
spiritual lives that they miss the opportunity of having such
a ministry. These should be built up in the faith through a
discipleship training program and then given the opportunity
to serve their Lord.=++

A critical and argumentative spirit has a spiritual cause, but
it also has spiritual effects. =++

The cycle is: 1) an ever-increasing number of unsolved
problems that interfere with fellowship with God; 2) continued
stagnation of Christian growth; 3) an increasingly
argumentative and contentious spirit. =++

The principles are the same for all Christians--the elderly
and shut-in, and the younger and more active. Any Christian,
of any age, can develop a contentious spirit. =++

Forgiveness is one key to avoiding, or to overcoming, an
argumentative and contentious spirit. The Scriptures say that
believers are to let God put away all bitterness, wrath,
anger, clamor (contentious or argumentative communications),
and evil speaking (defaming the name of another) along with
the malice (bad heart attitude) that causes these things (Eph.
4:31,32).  =++

However, forgiveness may not be effective in overcoming an
argumentative and contentious spirit--or even in preventing
the development of this type of a spirit.  =++

It is possible for a Christian to develop an argumentative and
contentious spirit even if he forgives each time he is
offended--and does it promptly. =++

Consider that your emotions (as well as your parent's
emotions) are like the air in a balloon. The more air in the
balloon, the greater the emotions. =++

Bad feelings toward others are represented by the quantity of
air in the balloon. =++

Consider a cycle of events that starts with no air in the
balloon--that is, no bad feelings toward anyone. =++

Someone says something cruel to you, and the emotional
distress that you experience is represented by a quantity of
air inflating the balloon to about 30 percent of its
full-blown size. =++

You feel anger, but you respond biblically by exerting self-
control over your mouth and your hands. You obey the command
to avoid sinning when feeling angry (Eph. 4:26). =++

You remember that God commands you to forgive (Mark 11:25),
and you pray and forgive--release to God the penalty of the
offense against you. =++

You do not feel as angry as you did before forgiving, but your
emotional balloon is still about 20 percent of its full
inflated size. =++

Somehow, forgiveness did not seem to be fully effective in
taking away the anger, and you wonder if you have really
forgiven him. =++

After a period of time, your emotional balloon decreases in
size. Now it is inflated to only ten percent of its full-blown
size. This represents a lingering resentment over the words
that wounded you. =++

Another offense comes, and a 30 percent increase of air in
your emotional balloon adds to the ten percent that is already
there to make it 40 percent inflated. =++

You pray and forgive, and your angry feelings decrease
somewhat. Later, the feelings subside more, and then your
emotional balloon is inflated to only 20 percent. =++

Notice in these examples that each subsequent offense will
cause an increase in residual resentment. Resentment from new
offenses that have not been dealt with completely will result
in further increases in resentment until periodic blow-ups
occur, and/or until a critical and contentious spirit results.
=++

Why does forgiveness not take away all of the emotional
distress? Probably you have forgiven, although you may
question whether or not you have. =++

If you really did forgive, you made a verbal contract with God
to the effect that you relinquished to Him the "right" to "get
even" with the offender (Rom. 12:19). You turned the offender
over to God, as an act of obedience, rather than merely asking
God to help you to forgive. =++

The reason that forgiveness sometimes is ineffective to take
away all of the emotional distress of an offense is that part
of the emotional distress is not caused by the words or the
actions of the offender. =++

A part, a large part, or even all of the reason for a person's
emotional distress may be from within himself, rather than
being caused by another. Thus, we should not expect
forgiveness of another to solve completely a problem that
exists, at least partially, within oneself. =++

The reason for this is that there are personal sins that
result in bad feelings toward others. Forgiving when offended
is biblical, and it is an indispensable part of the Christian
life, but it will not take away bad feelings that are caused
by personal sins. =++

The answer for personal sin is confession of that sin. The
Scriptures teach that God is faithful and just to forgive our
sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness if we confess
our sins (l John 1:9). =++

Notice that "fellowship" and "walk" are in the preceding
verses. The "forgiveness" in I John 1:9 refers to restoration
to fellowship with God; and the "cleansing" refers to
cleansing of the "walk." That is, God cleanses the manner of
life ("walk") upon confession of sin. =++

To "confess" means to say the same thing about a sin that God
does. We know this because 1) God always tells the truth; and
2) it is God's will that believers tell the truth; therefore
3) believers are "saying the same" things that God says about
their sins when they confess their sins truthfully--as opposed
to trying to minimize or excuse them. =++

Now, back to the balloon. There are two steps to handling
offenses biblically. The first step is to pray and confess the
sin that makes your feelings larger than the offense. Usually
the sin is pride, or selfishness, or a combination of the two.
Then, pray and forgive--release to God the penalty of the
offense.=++

Praying and confessing pride and/or selfishness commonly takes
away a large portion of the air from a Christian's emotional
balloon, and following confession of sin with forgiveness
commonly takes away the remainder of the air. =++

By handling offenses in these two steps, the two sources of
anger or hurt feelings (sins of others, sins of self), are
handled biblically, a buildup of bad feelings from repeated
offenses is prevented, and development of a critical and
contentious spirit is prevented. =++

Do not be discouraged if these two steps seem to work rather
slowly at first. Sanctification of the Christian walk is
progressive, and the particular form of the word that is
translated "cleanse" can be understood to mean a progressive
cleansing. =++

Quite likely, you will experience a progressively more rapid
release of air from your emotional balloon, and a more
complete release of air from your emotional balloon, as you
practice these two biblical principles over a period of time.
=++

Further, it is likely that you will find that you are not as
sensitive to personal offenses--that your emotional balloon
does not inflate to as large a size--as you practice the use
of these two biblical principles, and as God progressively
cleanses you of pride and selfishness. =++

The antidote for a spirit that has become critical,
argumentative and contentious over a period of time is quite
similar--starting to use these two biblical principles on
every offense that can be remembered, using them each day on
every new offense, and using them on every old offense that
comes to mind subsequently. =++

While practicing these principles, and while waiting for God
to change you progressively, add these things: prayer for your
enemies (Luke 6:27,28), thanksgiving to God (Eph. 5:20), and
rejoicing that He plans to use the offenses for your good (1
Pet. 1:6,7). =++

The biblical principles taught in this article are developed,
taught, and applied in Forgiveness: The Power and the Puzzles,
by Wendell E. Miller, ClearBrook Publishers, P.O. Box 1534,
Warsaw, IN, 46580.  Telephone 1-800-929-5977.=++

Copyright 1987 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed
free or at cost, and if=+
copyright, download, and permission information is
included.=++

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