Q. I have an elderly parent who is moody, contentious and generally unsocial. What causes this? How can Christians prevent or overcome an argumentative and contentious spirit?

A. The elderly and shut-ins often have physical problems that can affect their emotions and can also make it more difficult for them to be pleasant. In addition, mood-altering medications can cause them to behave differently than they normally would. Just as a sober man may exhibit a kind and gentle spirit, but become angry and violent when drunk, some people show aggressive behavior when taking a mood-altering medication.

Therefore, you should consult your parent's doctor to see if there are any physical problems, or any medications, that could be adversely affecting his emotions or contributing to his antisocial behavior. See "Don't Shut Out the Shut-In".

Or, there may be a present situation in life that is causing him emotional stress. If he is in a health-care facility, visit him at unexpected times to be sure that the care is what it appears to be during regularly scheduled visits. The physical care may not be adequate, or the way that he is being treated may be without love and personal concern. It may even be degrading.

Many elderly and shut-ins are worrying about physical or financial problems. Others spend long and lonely days and painful nights.

And yet, Jesus said, "My peace I give unto you" (John 14:27). With all of the uncertainty and trauma that faces mankind, Jesus still offers a peaceful spirit for those who depend upon Him.

My wife has a God-given gift for working with people in nursing homes; and she can tell interesting stories of infirmed, elderly people who have changed from being agitated to being at peace after they have had a right relationship with God, and after they have had the assurance of a right relationship with Him.

Doubtless there can be a feeling of helplessness, uselessness and frustration in having physical limitations that preclude an active and a fruitful life (as seen by worldly standards). For those who have a desire to serve the Lord, there can be the added frustration in feeling that any worthwhile service to God is over.

Those who would like to serve the Lord, but think that they cannot serve because of physical limitations, should be put to work--most likely in a prayer ministry (see "Don't Shut Out the Shut-In").

Some are saved but have not grown to the point in their spiritual lives that they miss the opportunity of having such a ministry. These should be built up in the faith through a discipleship training program and then given the opportunity to serve their Lord.

A critical and argumentative spirit has a spiritual cause, but it also has spiritual effects.

The cycle is: 1) an ever-increasing number of unsolved problems that interfere with fellowship with God; 2) continued stagnation of Christian growth; 3) an increasingly argumentative and contentious spirit.

The principles are the same for all Christians--the elderly and shut-in, and the younger and more active. Any Christian, of any age, can develop a contentious spirit.

Forgiveness is one key to avoiding, or to overcoming, an argumentative and contentious spirit. The Scriptures say that believers are to let God put away all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor (contentious or argumentative communications), and evil speaking (defaming the name of another) along with the malice (bad heart attitude) that causes these things (Eph. 4:31,32).

However, forgiveness may not be effective in overcoming an argumentative and contentious spirit--or even in preventing the development of this type of a spirit.

It is possible for a Christian to develop an argumentative and contentious spirit even if he forgives each time he is offended--and does it promptly.

Consider that your emotions (as well as your parent's emotions) are like the air in a balloon. The more air in the balloon, the greater the emotions.

Bad feelings toward others are represented by the quantity of air in the balloon.

Consider a cycle of events that starts with no air in the balloon--that is, no bad feelings toward anyone.

Someone says something cruel to you, and the emotional distress that you experience is represented by a quantity of air inflating the balloon to about 30 percent of its full-blown size.

You feel anger, but you respond biblically by exerting self- control over your mouth and your hands. You obey the command to avoid sinning when feeling angry (Eph. 4:26).

You remember that God commands you to forgive (Mark 11:25), and you pray and forgive--release to God the penalty of the offense against you.

You do not feel as angry as you did before forgiving, but your emotional balloon is still about 20 percent of its full inflated size.

Somehow, forgiveness did not seem to be fully effective in taking away the anger, and you wonder if you have really forgiven him.

After a period of time, your emotional balloon decreases in size. Now it is inflated to only ten percent of its full-blown size. This represents a lingering resentment over the words that wounded you.

Another offense comes, and a 30 percent increase of air in your emotional balloon adds to the ten percent that is already there to make it 40 percent inflated.

You pray and forgive, and your angry feelings decrease somewhat. Later, the feelings subside more, and then your emotional balloon is inflated to only 20 percent.

Notice in these examples that each subsequent offense will cause an increase in residual resentment. Resentment from new offenses that have not been dealt with completely will result in further increases in resentment until periodic blow-ups occur, and/or until a critical and contentious spirit results.

Why does forgiveness not take away all of the emotional distress? Probably you have forgiven, although you may question whether or not you have.

If you really did forgive, you made a verbal contract with God to the effect that you relinquished to Him the "right" to "get even" with the offender (Rom. 12:19). You turned the offender over to God, as an act of obedience, rather than merely asking God to help you to forgive.

The reason that forgiveness sometimes is ineffective to take away all of the emotional distress of an offense is that part of the emotional distress is not caused by the words or the actions of the offender.

A part, a large part, or even all of the reason for a person's emotional distress may be from within himself, rather than being caused by another. Thus, we should not expect forgiveness of another to solve completely a problem that exists, at least partially, within oneself.

The reason for this is that there are personal sins that result in bad feelings toward others. Forgiving when offended is biblical, and it is an indispensable part of the Christian life, but it will not take away bad feelings that are caused by personal sins.

The answer for personal sin is confession of that sin. The Scriptures teach that God is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness if we confess our sins (l John 1:9).

Notice that "fellowship" and "walk" are in the preceding verses. The "forgiveness" in I John 1:9 refers to restoration to fellowship with God; and the "cleansing" refers to cleansing of the "walk." That is, God cleanses the manner of life ("walk") upon confession of sin.

To "confess" means to say the same thing about a sin that God does. We know this because 1) God always tells the truth; and 2) it is God's will that believers tell the truth; therefore 3) believers are "saying the same" things that God says about their sins when they confess their sins truthfully--as opposed to trying to minimize or excuse them.

Now, back to the balloon. There are two steps to handling offenses biblically. The first step is to pray and confess the sin that makes your feelings larger than the offense. Usually the sin is pride, or selfishness, or a combination of the two. Then, pray and forgive--release to God the penalty of the offense.

Praying and confessing pride and/or selfishness commonly takes away a large portion of the air from a Christian's emotional balloon, and following confession of sin with forgiveness commonly takes away the remainder of the air.

By handling offenses in these two steps, the two sources of anger or hurt feelings (sins of others, sins of self), are handled biblically, a buildup of bad feelings from repeated offenses is prevented, and development of a critical and contentious spirit is prevented.

Do not be discouraged if these two steps seem to work rather slowly at first. Sanctification of the Christian walk is progressive, and the particular form of the word that is translated "cleanse" can be understood to mean a progressive cleansing.

Quite likely, you will experience a progressively more rapid release of air from your emotional balloon, and a more complete release of air from your emotional balloon, as you practice these two biblical principles over a period of time.

Further, it is likely that you will find that you are not as sensitive to personal offenses--that your emotional balloon does not inflate to as large a size--as you practice the use of these two biblical principles, and as God progressively cleanses you of pride and selfishness.

The antidote for a spirit that has become critical, argumentative and contentious over a period of time is quite similar--starting to use these two biblical principles on every offense that can be remembered, using them each day on every new offense, and using them on every old offense that comes to mind subsequently.

While practicing these principles, and while waiting for God to change you progressively, add these things: prayer for your enemies (Luke 6:27,28), thanksgiving to God (Eph. 5:20), and rejoicing that He plans to use the offenses for your good (1 Pet. 1:6,7).

The biblical principles taught in this article are developed, taught, and applied in Forgiveness: The Power and the Puzzles, by Wendell E. Miller, ClearBrook Publishers, P.O. Box 1534, Warsaw, IN, 46580. Telephone 1-800-929-5977.

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