WILL YOUR ADULT CHILDREN HONOR YOU?=+
Do disrespectful, neglectful adult children "just happen" or=+
are there scriptural principles that may have been=+
absent in the child's growing up years?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. I am a widow living alone. My son professes to be a
Christian and is active in the church, but he neglects me and
abuses me. Please write something in your column that will
make him treat me better. =++

A. God has commanded that children honor their parents (Eph.
6:2); and He has also said, "Despise not thy mother when she
is old" (Prov. 23:22). Jesus had harsh words for those who
dishonor their parents by neglecting their needs (Matt.
15:5-8). =++

No doubt your son already knows these Scripture passages, and
he has chosen to say (at least to himself) I know God says
that I should honor my mother, but I will not do it." =++

If your son will not listen to God, it is doubtful that this
column can influence him; but we hope it will help you find
God's strength to bear up under both a bad situation and the
provocations of another (Col. 1:11). =++

Perhaps it will help other parents who are in similar
situations and help stir other parents to prevent them. =++

I would encourage you to be diligent in applying biblical
principles to your own situation. These principles include
forgiveness, praying for the spiritual good of your wayward
child, rejoicing, and even thanking God that He is working
(through your pain) to make you a more Christlike person
forever (Rom. 8:28,29). Also, you should ask your son's
forgiveness for any offenses against him. (For further help, see "Our Child is Far from God" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index.)=++

Remember, when you pray and forgive, it is an intellectual act
of the will. It is a verbal contract with God in which you
relinquish all right to get even with the person or to hold it
against him; consequently, you agree to let God handle the
matter (Rom. 12:19) =++

You do not have to feel like forgiving, and you do not have to
"want to." You need to be obedient to God's command to forgive
whenever an unforgiven offense comes to your mind (Mark
11:25). =++

Important: The fact that a forgiven offense comes to mind
again does not mean that you have not forgiven! There is no
way that you can volitionally forget anything. =++

If you have bad feelings for a person after you have forgiven,
pray for him daily until your feelings toward him change (Luke
6:27,28).=++

Remember, the rejoicing that is commanded in the Scriptures (1
Thess. 5:16) does not require "feeling like it." Instead, the
rejoicing that is commanded in the Scriptures is rejoicing in
eternal truth (1 Pet. 1:3-6), or in comparing eternal truth to
temporal circumstances (Rom. 8:18). =++

In like manner, the giving of thanks that is commanded in the
Scriptures (1 Thess. 5:17) includes thanking God that He is
working for your good even in the trials, and thanking Him
that there are blessings on the other side of the trials (1
Pet. 1:7).  =++

You may not have been perfect in your relationships to your
son and/or his wife. You and all other parents who have
married children should ask such questions as: 1) Have I
accepted my child's mate as my child? 2) Am I showing love for
my child's mate? 3) Am I careful to avoid interfering with
God's authority structure for their home (Eph. 5:22-25) or
even giving the impression of trying to interfere? 4) Am I the
kind of a guest that makes their home a more pleasant place?
5) If I am there for extended periods, or if I live with them,
do I spend much time to myself so that they can have a
relationship with the immediate family that is in accordance
with God's command for them to leave and cleave (Eph. 5:31)?
=++

You may need to ask your son's forgiveness for your offenses
against him. Others who have wayward children should examine
themselves in like manner.   =++

How can parents avoid the hurt that this mother has written
about? =++

Whether or not one of this son's parents failed in his or her
role as a parent, better results in child rearing can be
expected from applying God's principles than from neglecting
them. =++

The Book of Proverbs teaches that a child left to himself
brings shame to his mother (Prov. 29:15). All children have a
sin nature, and we should not be surprised to see children go
the way of sin if God's child-rearing principles are
neglected.=++

God commands children to be obedient to their parents and to
honor them, but it takes structuring ("nurture" of Eph. 6:4)
of the children's behavior by the parents to develop good
habit patterns--including the habit patterns of obedience and
being respectful.=++

If a child of two or three-years old is not required to obey
his parents or to treat them with respect, and if he is
allowed to be disobedient and disrespectful as a teenager, why
should we be surprised if he dishonors his parents when he is
an adult? =++

Parents who want to be honored when they are old should model
their devotion to God before their children (Deut. 6:5; Luke
6:40), begin structuring their children's minds with scripture
at an early age (Deut. 6:6), begin structuring their
children's behavior at an early age (Eph. 6:4), do whatever
they can to lead their children to salvation at an early age,
and structure their children in putting on good habit patterns
and putting off bad habit patterns as they grow (Col. 3:8-17).
=++

Sometimes hurting parents say that they did their best. If
they did, then why are their adult children so blatantly
refusing to be obedient to God in his insensitivity to her
needs? =++

Of even greater importance, why are so many professing
believers saying, "I know that the scriptures say _______ but
I am going to ________." Why is this son, and why are so many
others who profess salvation, so casual and unconcerned about
obeying God? =++

It may be that one root cause is an inadequate concept of
God's holiness and the seriousness of sin. =++

Why do so many Christians have such a casual attitude toward
sin? Are not many Bible-believing churches deficient in
teaching the holiness of God and the seriousness of sin? =++

Perhaps a casual attitude toward sin has come, in part, from
an idea that "the God of the Old Testament" has been replaced
by "a gentle Jesus" who will not judge sin.=++

"Now all these things happened unto them for examples; and
they are written for our admonition" (1 Cor. 10:11). Surely
the holiness of God and the seriousness of sin, as taught in
the Old Testament, are meant to teach both of these same
things in this Dispensation of Grace.  =++

It may be that a casual attitude toward sin has come, in part,
by not teaching the seriousness of the Judgment Seat of
Christ, including both the loss of rewards, and the remorse
that must follow a casual attitude toward sin (1 Cor.
3:11-15). =++

Modeling a casual attitude toward sin by many parents and
other adults has obviously contributed to a casual attitude
toward sin by children, youth and new believers. Teaching on
child rearing in Deuteronomy presents the command to "be"
before the command to "teach" (Deut. 6:5-7). Also, Jesus
taught that a child tends to be like the person who teaches
him (Luke 6:40). =++

A lack of consistent church discipline of unrepentant sinners
also contributes to a casual attitude toward sin. The
Scriptures teach church discipline (1 Cor. 5:1-5). Even when
churches do practice church discipline, it is common for
another church to welcome the disciplined member without
question, or for some members of the former congregation to
make a mockery of church discipline by showing acceptance of
the disciplined person (1 Cor. 5:11-13).=++

Another factor today is that many Christians have been
anesthetized to the seriousness of sin by a steady diet of sin
on television. How many TV programs meet the standards of the
"Christian's TV Guide" (Phil. 4:8)? =++

Could it be that some Christians have a casual attitude toward
God because of the way that they, and others, dress for
worship services? If the way that people dress for worship
services has no effect on the way that they (and others) view
God's holiness, why did God teach His holiness by elaborate
instructions on how He had to be approached in the Old
Testament (Ex. 28; Lev. 8)? =++

Could it be that some Christians have drifted into a casual
attitude toward God through ministries that bring
entertainment into worship services of the church? Could it be
that some music, in lyrics and/or in style, is contributing to
the problem? Why do children rebel against God by refusing to
honor their parents? Of even greater importance, why are so
many professing Christians defying the living God? =++

Quite likely, the major reasons that many professing
Christians defy God and His will for their lives can be
attributed to inadequate concepts of the holiness of God and
the seriousness of sin, together with an inadequate concept of
the Judgment Seat of Christ, including both the loss of
rewards and remorse. =++

If problems such as what has been written in this article are
to be minimized, parents and the church must work together to
model and to teach the holiness of God, the seriousness of
sin, and the fact that everyone, whether saved or unsaved,
will be called to account for his life by a holy God. =++

Copyright 1987 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed free or at cost, and if=+
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