Q. I am a widow living alone. My son professes to be a Christian and is active in the church, but he neglects me and abuses me. Please write something in your column that will make him treat me better.

A. God has commanded that children honor their parents (Eph. 6:2); and He has also said, "Despise not thy mother when she is old" (Prov. 23:22). Jesus had harsh words for those who dishonor their parents by neglecting their needs (Matt. 15:5-8).

No doubt your son already knows these Scripture passages, and he has chosen to say (at least to himself) I know God says that I should honor my mother, but I will not do it."

If your son will not listen to God, it is doubtful that this column can influence him; but we hope it will help you find God's strength to bear up under both a bad situation and the provocations of another (Col. 1:11).

Perhaps it will help other parents who are in similar situations and help stir other parents to prevent them.

I would encourage you to be diligent in applying biblical principles to your own situation. These principles include forgiveness, praying for the spiritual good of your wayward child, rejoicing, and even thanking God that He is working (through your pain) to make you a more Christlike person forever (Rom. 8:28,29). Also, you should ask your son's forgiveness for any offenses against him. (For further help, see "Our Child is Far from God.")

Remember, when you pray and forgive, it is an intellectual act of the will. It is a verbal contract with God in which you relinquish all right to get even with the person or to hold it against him; consequently, you agree to let God handle the matter (Rom. 12:19)

You do not have to feel like forgiving, and you do not have to "want to." You need to be obedient to God's command to forgive whenever an unforgiven offense comes to your mind (Mark 11:25).

Important: The fact that a forgiven offense comes to mind again does not mean that you have not forgiven! There is no way that you can volitionally forget anything.

If you have bad feelings for a person after you have forgiven, pray for him daily until your feelings toward him change (Luke 6:27,28).

Remember, the rejoicing that is commanded in the Scriptures (1 Thess. 5:16) does not require "feeling like it." Instead, the rejoicing that is commanded in the Scriptures is rejoicing in eternal truth (1 Pet. 1:3-6), or in comparing eternal truth to temporal circumstances (Rom. 8:18).

In like manner, the giving of thanks that is commanded in the Scriptures (1 Thess. 5:17) includes thanking God that He is working for your good even in the trials, and thanking Him that there are blessings on the other side of the trials (1 Pet. 1:7).

You may not have been perfect in your relationships to your son and/or his wife. You and all other parents who have married children should ask such questions as: 1) Have I accepted my child's mate as my child? 2) Am I showing love for my child's mate? 3) Am I careful to avoid interfering with God's authority structure for their home (Eph. 5:22-25) or even giving the impression of trying to interfere? 4) Am I the kind of a guest that makes their home a more pleasant place? 5) If I am there for extended periods, or if I live with them, do I spend much time to myself so that they can have a relationship with the immediate family that is in accordance with God's command for them to leave and cleave (Eph. 5:31)?

You may need to ask your son's forgiveness for your offenses against him. Others who have wayward children should examine themselves in like manner.

How can parents avoid the hurt that this mother has written about?

Whether or not one of this son's parents failed in his or her role as a parent, better results in child rearing can be expected from applying God's principles than from neglecting them.

The Book of Proverbs teaches that a child left to himself brings shame to his mother (Prov. 29:15). All children have a sin nature, and we should not be surprised to see children go the way of sin if God's child-rearing principles are neglected.

God commands children to be obedient to their parents and to honor them, but it takes structuring ("nurture" of Eph. 6:4) of the children's behavior by the parents to develop good habit patterns--including the habit patterns of obedience and being respectful.

If a child of two or three-years old is not required to obey his parents or to treat them with respect, and if he is allowed to be disobedient and disrespectful as a teenager, why should we be surprised if he dishonors his parents when he is an adult?

Parents who want to be honored when they are old should model their devotion to God before their children (Deut. 6:5; Luke 6:40), begin structuring their children's minds with scripture at an early age (Deut. 6:6), begin structuring their children's behavior at an early age (Eph. 6:4), do whatever they can to lead their children to salvation at an early age, and structure their children in putting on good habit patterns and putting off bad habit patterns as they grow (Col. 3:8-17).

Sometimes hurting parents say that they did their best. If they did, then why are their adult children so blatantly refusing to be obedient to God in his insensitivity to her needs?

Of even greater importance, why are so many professing believers saying, "I know that the scriptures say _______ but I am going to ________." Why is this son, and why are so many others who profess salvation, so casual and unconcerned about obeying God?

It may be that one root cause is an inadequate concept of God's holiness and the seriousness of sin.

Why do so many Christians have such a casual attitude toward sin? Are not many Bible-believing churches deficient in teaching the holiness of God and the seriousness of sin?

Perhaps a casual attitude toward sin has come, in part, from an idea that "the God of the Old Testament" has been replaced by "a gentle Jesus" who will not judge sin.

"Now all these things happened unto them for examples; and they are written for our admonition" (1 Cor. 10:11). Surely the holiness of God and the seriousness of sin, as taught in the Old Testament, are meant to teach both of these same things in this Dispensation of Grace.

It may be that a casual attitude toward sin has come, in part, by not teaching the seriousness of the Judgment Seat of Christ, including both the loss of rewards, and the remorse that must follow a casual attitude toward sin (1 Cor. 3:11-15).

Modeling a casual attitude toward sin by many parents and other adults has obviously contributed to a casual attitude toward sin by children, youth and new believers. Teaching on child rearing in Deuteronomy presents the command to "be" before the command to "teach" (Deut. 6:5-7). Also, Jesus taught that a child tends to be like the person who teaches him (Luke 6:40).

A lack of consistent church discipline of unrepentant sinners also contributes to a casual attitude toward sin. The Scriptures teach church discipline (1 Cor. 5:1-5). Even when churches do practice church discipline, it is common for another church to welcome the disciplined member without question, or for some members of the former congregation to make a mockery of church discipline by showing acceptance of the disciplined person (1 Cor. 5:11-13).

Another factor today is that many Christians have been anesthetized to the seriousness of sin by a steady diet of sin on television. How many TV programs meet the standards of the "Christian's TV Guide" (Phil. 4:8)?

Could it be that some Christians have a casual attitude toward God because of the way that they, and others, dress for worship services? If the way that people dress for worship services has no effect on the way that they (and others) view God's holiness, why did God teach His holiness by elaborate instructions on how He had to be approached in the Old Testament (Ex. 28; Lev. 8)?

Could it be that some Christians have drifted into a casual attitude toward God through ministries that bring entertainment into worship services of the church? Could it be that some music, in lyrics and/or in style, is contributing to the problem? Why do children rebel against God by refusing to honor their parents? Of even greater importance, why are so many professing Christians defying the living God?

Quite likely, the major reasons that many professing Christians defy God and His will for their lives can be attributed to inadequate concepts of the holiness of God and the seriousness of sin, together with an inadequate concept of the Judgment Seat of Christ, including both the loss of rewards and remorse.

If problems such as what has been written in this article are to be minimized, parents and the church must work together to model and to teach the holiness of God, the seriousness of sin, and the fact that everyone, whether saved or unsaved, will be called to account for his life by a holy God.

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