OUR CHILD IS FAR FROM GOD =+
Hurting Parents Need Not Give Up On Their Wayward Children.=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller =++

Q. Our grown son has left the church and is out in the world
living in sin. We hurt so deeply. Is there anything that we
can do to help our son? What can we do to ease our pain? =++

A. There are many dear Christian parents who are hurting, as
you are hurting, because of wayward children. =++

Jesus was compassionate; and the Scriptures often speak of His
being moved by compassion to help (Luke 7:13). So all
Christians should be compassionate and want to help. However,
all who counsel must be careful to provide help that is truly
biblical. Unfortunately, some, who no doubt mean well, are
providing "help" for hurting parents that actually is harmful.
=++

Could it be that you are angry with God? In time of sorrow or
disappointment, Christians sometimes become angry at God and
blame Him for their problems, or for not removing the problems
after they have prayed. =++

Perhaps you have been praying diligently for your wayward
child. And you should! But are you doubting God's goodness and
love because it seems that He has not answered your prayers?
Remember that His answer to the Apostle Paul's prayers for
healing was a loving "No" (2 Cor. 12:7-9). And His answer to
your prayers may be "No," or it may be "Wait." =++

We know that God is holy (Isa. 6:1-3), loving (1 John 4:16),
powerful (Matt. 19:26), and both omniscient and wise (Rom.
11:33). So we know that God has never done anything that is
sinful, has never made a mistake, will always do what is
right, and can do all things that are consistent with His
attributes. =++

So the worst advice that can be given to a hurting person is
that he must forgive God! Imagine that--sinful man forgiving
God! And yet one popular book on the subject of hurting
parents advocates this sinful response. =++

How could any believer expect to find God's comfort in a time
of distress and grief if he is making false accusations
against God? =++

It is true that a Christian who is hurting may become angry
with God; but the solution to the problem is to pray and
confess the sin of attributing the problem to Him whose nature
includes holiness, love and power (1 John 1:9). =++

Often a hurting parent will feel guilty for the way his grown
child is behaving. =++

The hurting parent may be thinking, I should have put down the
newspaper and had time to spend with my child: I should have
turned off the TV and been a father to him; I should have
given my family priority instead of my career; I should have
taken him to Sunday school instead of sending him; or I should
have brought him up "in the nurture and admonition of the
Lord" (Eph. 6:4). The hurting parent who feels guilty may have
done an excellent job of parenting, may have done an average
job of parenting, or may have failed miserably, but all
hurting parents have one thing in common with parents who are
not hurting. All parents have failed to some degree, or in
some area, to be the parent that they should have been. =++

So the second worst advice that can be given to a hurting
parent is that he should attempt to ease his guilt feelings by
dismissing it as "false guilt." This is tantamount to telling
the hurting parent to lie to himself and, more importantly, to
telling the hurting parent to lie to God. And yet one popular
book that attempts to "help" hurting parents advocates this
sinful action. =++

Instead of lying to himself and to God, a hurting parent
should confess any guilt to God (whether or not he feels
guilty). Guilt is a fact, whether or not it is accompanied by
guilty feelings. =++

The third worst advice that can be given to a hurting parent
is that he should not ask the wayward child's forgiveness; and
yet, by reciting a supposed case in which this did not help,
one book for hurting parents implies that "there is no use"
asking the wayward child's forgiveness. =++

But the opposite is true. A wayward child may have been saved
but may have been out of fellowship with God for many years
because of unforgiveness of parental errors, unfairness or
neglect, or simply childish misunderstanding of his parents.
Of course, there can be other reasons why a wayward child is
out of fellowship with God. However, it is quite likely that
the wayward child is holding many things against one or both
of his parents even if there are other reasons for his being
out of fellowship with God. =++

Therefore, the hurting parent who loves his child will do
everything that he can to help the child, and this includes
asking the child's forgiveness for everything that he has done
that may have offended the child. =++

The hurting parent should examine his conscience to see where
he has failed, and he should think back to any accusations
that the child may have made with regard to partiality or
unfairness. The hurting parent should start asking the wayward
child's forgiveness for the things that he believes will be
the easiest for the child to forgive, or that the child will
most readily forgive, and work up to the things that may be
the most difficult for his child to forgive. =++

Then the hurting parent should ask the wayward child to tell
him the ways in which he has hurt him, been unfair to him, or
wronged him in any way. =++

The hurting parent should be prepared to hear things that are
far beyond anything that he imagined could be a problem. He
should diligently seek to see the child's viewpoint. And he
should be ready to ask the child for forgiveness for any and
all offenses against his child. =++

Remember, your wayward child's fellowship with God is
dependent upon his forgiveness* (Matt. 6:15). So you must do
everything that you can to help him forgive you for anything
and everything that he is holding against you. =++

Do not be lulled into complacency because of what seems to be
an excellent relationship between you and your wayward child.
Many Christians believe that it is a sin to have bad feelings
toward anyone, even though the Scriptures condemn sinful
actions, not angry feelings (Eph. 4:26). So many Christians
tend to deny to themselves that they are holding resentments,
rather than handling the problems biblically by forgiving
(Eph. 4:31,32). Your child may not realize how much he holds
against you until he starts reciting his hurts and your
offenses against him. =++

Are you grieved for your wayward child's relationship with
God, for possible chastisement that he may receive from God
(Heb. 12:6), for the fact that he will account to God for his
actions either at the judgment Seat of Christ (2 Cor. 5:10) or
at the Great White Throne judgment? (Rev. 20:11-15). Pray for
him! Pray for him! Pray for him! =++

Have you ever said to your wayward child, "Can't you see what
you are doing to us?" Or, "Can't you see what this is doing to
our reputation?" Amidst all of your hurt, is it all godly
sorrow? Or is there an element of pride or selfishness that is
evidenced by concentration on what the wayward child is doing
to you? Could it be that you should confess to God that part
of your hurts are a result of pride and/or selfishness? =++

Others are hurting with you. And, no doubt, others are praying
for you and for your wayward child. =++

But no one hurts with you as much as Jesus. He perfectly
exhibited sinless manhood (1 Pet. 2:22), He was compassionate
in His earthly life and ministry (John 11:35), He perfectly
portrayed the Father (14:8,9), and the attributes of God are
unchangeable (James 1:17). By these truths we know that Jesus
hurts when you hurt. =++
God wants to work for your good in this suffering (1 Pet.
1:7). He wants you to draw even closer to Him, to trust Him,
and to lean on Him in your distress. He is hurting even more
than you hurt, as He hurts with you, and as He grieves for
your child. =++

If you respond biblically to your present distress, you may be
able to help others too. But remember, having problems does
not qualify one to help others unless his problems have been
solved biblically. A common fallacy in Christianity today is
the idea that the person who has failed in a given area is the
one best qualified to help others. =++

If you do respond to this present distress biblically, how can
you help other parents who are hurting? You can hurt with
them. You can pray for them and their wayward child. You can
help them to understand the things that they must do for the
good of their fellowship with God. You can help them to grow
stronger in the faith. You can help them reject erroneous
teaching that is being provided for hurting parents. You can
help them understand the things that they must do for the
spiritual good of their wayward child. And, most of all, you
can remind them that Jesus cares, that Jesus hurts when they
hurt, and that He stood by you and comforted you when you were
hurting (2 Cor. 1:3,4).=++

*For your child to be in fellowship with God he must: 1) pray
and release to God the penalty of all offenses against
himself; 2) grant forgiveness when asked; and 3) ask
forgiveness of those he has offended (Matt. 5:23; Mark 11:25;
Luke 17:3). For more information see Forgiveness: The Power
and the Puzzles by Wendell E. Miller, ClearBrook Publishers,
P.O. Box 1534, Warsaw, IN 46581. See "Special Offer" in Main
Menu.=++

Copyright 1987 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

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