Q. Our grown son has left the church and is out in the world living in sin. We hurt so deeply. Is there anything that we can do to help our son? What can we do to ease our pain?

A. There are many dear Christian parents who are hurting, as you are hurting, because of wayward children.

Jesus was compassionate; and the Scriptures often speak of His being moved by compassion to help (Luke 7:13). So all Christians should be compassionate and want to help. However, all who counsel must be careful to provide help that is truly biblical. Unfortunately, some, who no doubt mean well, are providing "help" for hurting parents that actually is harmful.

Could it be that you are angry with God? In time of sorrow or disappointment, Christians sometimes become angry at God and blame Him for their problems, or for not removing the problems after they have prayed.

Perhaps you have been praying diligently for your wayward child. And you should! But are you doubting God's goodness and love because it seems that He has not answered your prayers? Remember that His answer to the Apostle Paul's prayers for healing was a loving "No" (2 Cor. 12:7-9). And His answer to your prayers may be "No," or it may be "Wait."

We know that God is holy (Isa. 6:1-3), loving (1 John 4:16), powerful (Matt. 19:26), and both omniscient and wise (Rom. 11:33). So we know that God has never done anything that is sinful, has never made a mistake, will always do what is right, and can do all things that are consistent with His attributes.

So the worst advice that can be given to a hurting person is that he must forgive God! Imagine that--sinful man forgiving God! And yet one popular book on the subject of hurting parents advocates this sinful response.

How could any believer expect to find God's comfort in a time of distress and grief if he is making false accusations against God?

It is true that a Christian who is hurting may become angry with God; but the solution to the problem is to pray and confess the sin of attributing the problem to Him whose nature includes holiness, love and power (1 John 1:9).

Often a hurting parent will feel guilty for the way his grown child is behaving.

The hurting parent may be thinking, I should have put down the newspaper and had time to spend with my child: I should have turned off the TV and been a father to him; I should have given my family priority instead of my career; I should have taken him to Sunday school instead of sending him; or I should have brought him up "in the nurture and admonition of the Lord" (Eph. 6:4). The hurting parent who feels guilty may have done an excellent job of parenting, may have done an average job of parenting, or may have failed miserably, but all hurting parents have one thing in common with parents who are not hurting. All parents have failed to some degree, or in some area, to be the parent that they should have been.

So the second worst advice that can be given to a hurting parent is that he should attempt to ease his guilt feelings by dismissing it as "false guilt." This is tantamount to telling the hurting parent to lie to himself and, more importantly, to telling the hurting parent to lie to God. And yet one popular book that attempts to "help" hurting parents advocates this sinful action.

Instead of lying to himself and to God, a hurting parent should confess any guilt to God (whether or not he feels guilty). Guilt is a fact, whether or not it is accompanied by guilty feelings.

The third worst advice that can be given to a hurting parent is that he should not ask the wayward child's forgiveness; and yet, by reciting a supposed case in which this did not help, one book for hurting parents implies that "there is no use" asking the wayward child's forgiveness.

But the opposite is true. A wayward child may have been saved but may have been out of fellowship with God for many years because of unforgiveness of parental errors, unfairness or neglect, or simply childish misunderstanding of his parents. Of course, there can be other reasons why a wayward child is out of fellowship with God. However, it is quite likely that the wayward child is holding many things against one or both of his parents even if there are other reasons for his being out of fellowship with God.

Therefore, the hurting parent who loves his child will do everything that he can to help the child, and this includes asking the child's forgiveness for everything that he has done that may have offended the child.

The hurting parent should examine his conscience to see where he has failed, and he should think back to any accusations that the child may have made with regard to partiality or unfairness. The hurting parent should start asking the wayward child's forgiveness for the things that he believes will be the easiest for the child to forgive, or that the child will most readily forgive, and work up to the things that may be the most difficult for his child to forgive.

Then the hurting parent should ask the wayward child to tell him the ways in which he has hurt him, been unfair to him, or wronged him in any way.

The hurting parent should be prepared to hear things that are far beyond anything that he imagined could be a problem. He should diligently seek to see the child's viewpoint. And he should be ready to ask the child for forgiveness for any and all offenses against his child.

Remember, your wayward child's fellowship with God is dependent upon his forgiveness* (Matt. 6:15). So you must do everything that you can to help him forgive you for anything and everything that he is holding against you.

Do not be lulled into complacency because of what seems to be an excellent relationship between you and your wayward child. Many Christians believe that it is a sin to have bad feelings toward anyone, even though the Scriptures condemn sinful actions, not angry feelings (Eph. 4:26). So many Christians tend to deny to themselves that they are holding resentments, rather than handling the problems biblically by forgiving (Eph. 4:31,32). Your child may not realize how much he holds against you until he starts reciting his hurts and your offenses against him.

Are you grieved for your wayward child's relationship with God, for possible chastisement that he may receive from God (Heb. 12:6), for the fact that he will account to God for his actions either at the judgment Seat of Christ (2 Cor. 5:10) or at the Great White Throne judgment? (Rev. 20:11-15). Pray for him! Pray for him! Pray for him!

Have you ever said to your wayward child, "Can't you see what you are doing to us?" Or, "Can't you see what this is doing to our reputation?" Amidst all of your hurt, is it all godly sorrow? Or is there an element of pride or selfishness that is evidenced by concentration on what the wayward child is doing to you? Could it be that you should confess to God that part of your hurts are a result of pride and/or selfishness?

Others are hurting with you. And, no doubt, others are praying for you and for your wayward child.

But no one hurts with you as much as Jesus. He perfectly exhibited sinless manhood (1 Pet. 2:22), He was compassionate in His earthly life and ministry (John 11:35), He perfectly portrayed the Father (14:8,9), and the attributes of God are unchangeable (James 1:17). By these truths we know that Jesus hurts when you hurt.

God wants to work for your good in this suffering (1 Pet. 1:7). He wants you to draw even closer to Him, to trust Him, and to lean on Him in your distress. He is hurting even more than you hurt, as He hurts with you, and as He grieves for your child.

If you respond biblically to your present distress, you may be able to help others too. But remember, having problems does not qualify one to help others unless his problems have been solved biblically. A common fallacy in Christianity today is the idea that the person who has failed in a given area is the one best qualified to help others.

If you do respond to this present distress biblically, how can you help other parents who are hurting? You can hurt with them. You can pray for them and their wayward child. You can help them to understand the things that they must do for the good of their fellowship with God. You can help them to grow stronger in the faith. You can help them reject erroneous teaching that is being provided for hurting parents. You can help them understand the things that they must do for the spiritual good of their wayward child. And, most of all, you can remind them that Jesus cares, that Jesus hurts when they hurt, and that He stood by you and comforted you when you were hurting (2 Cor. 1:3,4).

*For your child to be in fellowship with God he must: 1) pray and release to God the penalty of all offenses against himself; 2) grant forgiveness when asked; and 3) ask forgiveness of those he has offended (Matt. 5:23; Mark 11:25; Luke 17:3). For more information see Forgiveness: The Power and the Puzzles by Wendell E. Miller, ClearBrook Publishers, P.O. Box 1534, Warsaw, IN 46581. See Special Offer in Main Menu.

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