MY IN-LAWS CONTROL MY FAMILY=+
How should a couple deal with parents who don't recognize=+
the scriptural fact that their married child=+
is part of a new decision-making unit?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. My in-laws are controlling my family What can I do to keep
them from interfering?=++

A. One of the basic principles of marriage is given in Genesis
2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother,
and shall cleave unto his wife." This commandment was given
again by Jesus (Matt. 19:5), and was given the third time in
Ephesians 5:31. =++

Both the husband and wife are to leave parental authority.
Prior to marriage, it pleased God that they submitted to the
authority of their parents (Eph. 6:1). =++

But at the marriage ceremony, the father gave his daughter to
the groom and transferred his authority over his daughter to
the new husband (Eph. 5:22-24). The husband is now the head of
a new decision-making unit--and responsible to God for
decisions affecting his wife. =++

If the bride's parents have taught her to be submissive to
them, and if her parents have modelled submission for her, it
should help her to be submissive to her husband. And if the
groom's father has modelled how to cleave to his own wife,
then it should help the groom cleave to his bride. =++

Further, if the groom's parents have taught and modelled
submission to authority, then the groom should be able to help
his wife submit to his authority by her seeing the way that he
submits to those who are in authority over him. =++

Leaving should include leaving emotional dependence: and, if
the parents have developed their young people progressively
toward "leaving," there should not be a problem of emotional
dependence. =++

Leaving should include physically leaving the parental
household. It should be a joy and satisfaction for parents,
children, and grandchildren to fellowship frequently and
fairly regularly. But the marriage must be protected. It is
not good for two families to live under the same roof. The
"leaving" can be by a distance of 50 feet, 5 miles, 50 miles,
or whatever distance is necessary to protect the marriage. =++

Leaving should include leaving financial dependence. Having
"wants" that exceed the resources of the new family unit can
lead to financial dependence and even bondage in the areas of
finances, authority, and emotions. =++
However, if a child has not received parental approval during
childhood years, then as an adult this person may be trying in
vain to please one or both parents.  Sometimes this results in
an emotional dependence that is difficult to overcome. As an
adult, the person's emotions may yo-yo according to the
slightest indication of parental approval or disapproval. =++

"Leaving" and "cleaving" must go together. Leaving without
cleaving will not stand alone to protect the marriage. A
letter that is delivered halfway around the world can
interfere with a marriage in which there is no "cleaving." =++

When a "suggestion" is made by one parent as to a course that
the young couple should take, the suggestion should be
respectfully received (Eph. 6:2). =++

However, a new decision-making unit (husband and wife) has
been established under God's authority: and the husband is the
head of that new decision-making unit (Eph. 5:23). =++

A suggestion from a parent of either partner should not be
threatening to the relationship if the husband and wife are
"glued together" (cleave) so tightly that no one can separate
them from a spirit of unity. Together they can consider
suggestions coming from outside the marriage and either
accept, modify, adapt, or reject them. =++

The marriage partner who is given the suggestion: 1) should
receive it graciously, 2) can acknowledge to that parent that
the new couple can gain much wisdom by listening to their
parents, and 3) can thank the parent or in-law for their love,
interest, and concern. (Remember, a person can be
intellectually and sincerely thankful for a person's love,
interest, and concern, even if it seems that the person is
meddling.) =++

If the marriage is really "glued together," the one receiving
the advice can add: 1) I will tell (my spouse) what you have
suggested, and 2) we will give your advice careful
consideration as we decide what to do. =++

"As we decide what to do" is a subtle reminder that there is
a new decision-making unit that is autonomous from the one
giving the advice. =++

"Leaving" does not mean forsaking God's command to honor
parents. However, if a parent is especially troublesome to the
marriage, then the child of that person should talk to the
parent respectfully and privately, but firmly. =++

The child of the interfering parent can: 1) thank the parent
for love and concern, 2) thank the parent for love and care
during childhood years, 3) mention that, under God, a new
decision-making unit has been formed, and 4) mention that the
young people are responsible to God to fulfill their God-given
roles in marriage. This is a gentle way of reminding the
parent of his/her responsibility to God--a responsibility to
refrain from interfering in the child's marriage. =++

Basically, your in-laws cannot control your marriage unless
you or your spouse allow them to interfere, and it is the
responsibility of the child with the interfering parent to do
whatever is necessary to protect the marriage.=++

The wife with an interfering parent has the responsibility to
submit to her husband because God commands it, and she shows
her love for Jesus by obeying His command to submit to her
husband (John 14:1-5). She demonstrates that she loves Jesus
more than mother, father, brother, and sister when she obeys
God's command to submit to her husband. =++

In like manner, the husband with an interfering parent has the
responsibility to love his wife by making decisions that are
in accordance with her best interests--because God commands it
(Eph. 5:25). He shows his love for Jesus by obeying His
command to love his wife--and by protecting her from
interference from in-laws. =++

If husband and wife are "glued together," they can, as a
unified couple, ask advice of interfering in-laws. Your
in-laws have invested many years of loving concern for your
husband, and so they have an intense personal interest in both
of you. It may be that, as you honor them in asking advice,
your relationship with them will improve. Asking for their
advice may give you a better appreciation of them and the
knowledge and wisdom that they have to share. =++

If husband and wife are "glued together" they can grow
together spiritually and in other ways through the stress that
God is allowing in their lives, recognizing that God is
allowing this stress to bring about spiritual growth (1 Pet.
1:7). If husband and wife are "glued together," they can
handle the emotional distress of offenses by using various
combinations of biblical principles. =++

If they are "glued together," they can pray and forgive (Mark
11:25), and then let God take away the bitterness, wrath
and/or anger (Eph. 4:31,32). =++

If they are "glued together," they can treat the interfering
in-law as Jesus said to treat an enemy. Paraphrased, Jesus
said: "Love your enemies by 1) doing kind and considerate
things for them, 2) saying good things about them and
complimenting them (blessing them), and 3) praying for them
(Luke 6:27-28). =++

If they are "glued together," they also can "go the second
mile" (Matt. 5:41). It is surprising how doing more than is
required will change one's feelings toward a person making
unreasonable demands. =++

If they are "glued together," they can handle the stress by
either rejoicing (1 Thess. 5:16) or by giving thanks (v. 18),
recognizing that a sovereign God is allowing the stress for
their good (Rom. 8:28,29; 1 Pet. 1:7). Remember that the
rejoicing that God commands does not require "feeling like it"
(v. 6). Also remember that one way to intellectually rejoice
is to mentally (with the intellect, not with the feelings)
compare eternal truth with temporal circumstances (Rom. 8:18).
=+
Now that I have told you that your spouse should "run
interference" for you with his parents, you have several
choices. =++

You can show him this article and remind him of his
responsibilities under God. But, if you do, be sure that you
do it in the right spirit, taking care of your bitterness,
wrath or anger by using biblical principles before you talk to
him. =++

Whether you talk to him or not, he may or may not "run
interference" for you with your in-laws. If he does not make
biblical changes and start "running interference" for you, you
will have the choice of becoming bitter, wrathful or angry, or
growing spiritually by the use of biblical principles, prayer,
and the power of the Holy Spirit. =++

How can you keep your in-laws from interfering? I do not know
if there is any way that you can. In a world where people have
a sin nature, quite frequently there is no God-honoring way to
change the other person. =++

You can pray and ask God to change them, or to change your
husband. But God may say, "No, I love you, but I want you to
grow spiritually through this: and My grace is sufficient for
you" (2 Cor. 12:8,9). =++

However, I can tell you how to cope with this distress in your
life, and how to grow spiritually rather than having the
problem prevent spiritual growth. =++

If you are saved, you can use the principles that have been
presented above. It does not take a couple that are "glued
together" to use these principles. It just takes one believer
who knows and utilizes the provisions that God has given for
handling problems--biblical principles, prayer, and the power
of the indwelling Holy Spirit. =++

Copyright 1987 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed free or at cost, and if=+
copyright, download, and permission information is included.
Return to Home Page