Q. My in-laws are controlling my family What can I do to keep them from interfering?

A. One of the basic principles of marriage is given in Genesis 2:24: "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife." This commandment was given again by Jesus (Matt. 19:5), and was given the third time in Ephesians 5:31.

Both the husband and wife are to leave parental authority. Prior to marriage, it pleased God that they submitted to the authority of their parents (Eph. 6:1).

But at the marriage ceremony, the father gave his daughter to the groom and transferred his authority over his daughter to the new husband (Eph. 5:22-24). The husband is now the head of a new decision-making unit--and responsible to God for decisions affecting his wife.

If the bride's parents have taught her to be submissive to them, and if her parents have modelled submission for her, it should help her to be submissive to her husband. And if the groom's father has modelled how to cleave to his own wife, then it should help the groom cleave to his bride.

Further, if the groom's parents have taught and modelled submission to authority, then the groom should be able to help his wife submit to his authority by her seeing the way that he submits to those who are in authority over him.

Leaving should include leaving emotional dependence: and, if the parents have developed their young people progressively toward "leaving," there should not be a problem of emotional dependence.

Leaving should include physically leaving the parental household. It should be a joy and satisfaction for parents, children, and grandchildren to fellowship frequently and fairly regularly. But the marriage must be protected. It is not good for two families to live under the same roof. The "leaving" can be by a distance of 50 feet, 5 miles, 50 miles, or whatever distance is necessary to protect the marriage.

Leaving should include leaving financial dependence. Having "wants" that exceed the resources of the new family unit can lead to financial dependence and even bondage in the areas of finances, authority, and emotions.

However, if a child has not received parental approval during childhood years, then as an adult this person may be trying in vain to please one or both parents. Sometimes this results in an emotional dependence that is difficult to overcome. As an adult, the person's emotions may yo-yo according to the slightest indication of parental approval or disapproval.

"Leaving" and "cleaving" must go together. Leaving without cleaving will not stand alone to protect the marriage. A letter that is delivered halfway around the world can interfere with a marriage in which there is no "cleaving."

When a "suggestion" is made by one parent as to a course that the young couple should take, the suggestion should be respectfully received (Eph. 6:2).

However, a new decision-making unit (husband and wife) has been established under God's authority: and the husband is the head of that new decision-making unit (Eph. 5:23).

A suggestion from a parent of either partner should not be threatening to the relationship if the husband and wife are "glued together" (cleave) so tightly that no one can separate them from a spirit of unity. Together they can consider suggestions coming from outside the marriage and either accept, modify, adapt, or reject them.

The marriage partner who is given the suggestion: 1) should receive it graciously, 2) can acknowledge to that parent that the new couple can gain much wisdom by listening to their parents, and 3) can thank the parent or in-law for their love, interest, and concern. (Remember, a person can be intellectually and sincerely thankful for a person's love, interest, and concern, even if it seems that the person is meddling.)

If the marriage is really "glued together," the one receiving the advice can add: 1) I will tell (my spouse) what you have suggested, and 2) we will give your advice careful consideration as we decide what to do.

"As we decide what to do" is a subtle reminder that there is a new decision-making unit that is autonomous from the one giving the advice.

"Leaving" does not mean forsaking God's command to honor parents. However, if a parent is especially troublesome to the marriage, then the child of that person should talk to the parent respectfully and privately, but firmly.

The child of the interfering parent can: 1) thank the parent for love and concern, 2) thank the parent for love and care during childhood years, 3) mention that, under God, a new decision-making unit has been formed, and 4) mention that the young people are responsible to God to fulfill their God-given roles in marriage. This is a gentle way of reminding the parent of his/her responsibility to God--a responsibility to refrain from interfering in the child's marriage.

Basically, your in-laws cannot control your marriage unless you or your spouse allow them to interfere, and it is the responsibility of the child with the interfering parent to do whatever is necessary to protect the marriage.

The wife with an interfering parent has the responsibility to submit to her husband because God commands it, and she shows her love for Jesus by obeying His command to submit to her husband (John 14:1-5). She demonstrates that she loves Jesus more than mother, father, brother, and sister when she obeys God's command to submit to her husband.

In like manner, the husband with an interfering parent has the responsibility to love his wife by making decisions that are in accordance with her best interests--because God commands it (Eph. 5:25). He shows his love for Jesus by obeying His command to love his wife--and by protecting her from interference from in-laws.

If husband and wife are "glued together," they can, as a unified couple, ask advice of interfering in-laws. Your in-laws have invested many years of loving concern for your husband, and so they have an intense personal interest in both of you. It may be that, as you honor them in asking advice, your relationship with them will improve. Asking for their advice may give you a better appreciation of them and the knowledge and wisdom that they have to share.

If husband and wife are "glued together" they can grow together spiritually and in other ways through the stress that God is allowing in their lives, recognizing that God is allowing this stress to bring about spiritual growth (1 Pet. 1:7). If husband and wife are "glued together," they can handle the emotional distress of offenses by using various combinations of biblical principles.

If they are "glued together," they can pray and forgive (Mark 11:25), and then let God take away the bitterness, wrath and/or anger (Eph. 4:31,32).

If they are "glued together," they can treat the interfering in-law as Jesus said to treat an enemy. Paraphrased, Jesus said: "Love your enemies by 1) doing kind and considerate things for them, 2) saying good things about them and complimenting them (blessing them), and 3) praying for them (Luke 6:27-28).

If they are "glued together," they also can "go the second mile" (Matt. 5:41). It is surprising how doing more than is required will change one's feelings toward a person making unreasonable demands.

If they are "glued together," they can handle the stress by either rejoicing (1 Thess. 5:16) or by giving thanks (v. 18), recognizing that a sovereign God is allowing the stress for their good (Rom. 8:28,29; 1 Pet. 1:7). Remember that the rejoicing that God commands does not require "feeling like it" (v. 6). Also remember that one way to intellectually rejoice is to mentally (with the intellect, not with the feelings) compare eternal truth with temporal circumstances (Rom. 8:18).

Now that I have told you that your spouse should "run interference" for you with his parents, you have several choices.

You can show him this article and remind him of his responsibilities under God. But, if you do, be sure that you do it in the right spirit, taking care of your bitterness, wrath or anger by using biblical principles before you talk to him.

Whether you talk to him or not, he may or may not "run interference" for you with your in-laws. If he does not make biblical changes and start "running interference" for you, you will have the choice of becoming bitter, wrathful or angry, or growing spiritually by the use of biblical principles, prayer, and the power of the Holy Spirit.

How can you keep your in-laws from interfering? I do not know if there is any way that you can. In a world where people have a sin nature, quite frequently there is no God-honoring way to change the other person.

You can pray and ask God to change them, or to change your husband. But God may say, "No, I love you, but I want you to grow spiritually through this: and My grace is sufficient for you" (2 Cor. 12:8,9).

However, I can tell you how to cope with this distress in your life, and how to grow spiritually rather than having the problem prevent spiritual growth.

If you are saved, you can use the principles that have been presented above. It does not take a couple that are "glued together" to use these principles. It just takes one believer who knows and utilizes the provisions that God has given for handling problems--biblical principles, prayer, and the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit.

Return to Q&A Counseling Articles Index

Return to Home Page