A HUSBAND WHO'S HARD TO SUBMIT TO=+
Should a wife always submit to her husband?=+
Should a husband make all the decisions?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. In the years that I have been married I have accepted the
biblical teaching that a woman should submit to her husband.
However, I have not submitted fully or always with a good
attitude; and the idea of submission still bothers me. Why
should my husband be the one to make all of the decisions,
and why should he have his own way in everything?=++

A. Biblical roles in marriage seem to be poorly understood
even among Christians who are well taught in the Bible, and
this includes husbands not understanding their role.=++

In a column like this, it is not possible to deal with any
subject extensively, nor to deal with every aspect in
applying the biblical principles. However, I believe that
the following discussion will be helpful.=++

Considering the husband's role first, the Scriptures teach
that husbands are to love their wives (Eph. 5:25). In order
to understand this passage fully, it is necessary to know
the meaning of the Greek word agape, which is translated
"love."=++

Agape love is, in the broadest sense, a dedication to
someone or to something; and this dedication can be good and
holy, or it can be sinful. For instance, agape love is used
twice in a sinful sense in 1 John 2:15.=++

If we consider agape love in the good sense, perhaps the
best definition of agape love is: "an act of the will (not
feelings) to purpose and to do that which is best for the
one loved, without the necessity of emotional
motivation."=++

If we paraphrase Ephesians 5:25 by inserting this meaning of
agape love, we arrive at something like this: "Husbands,
purpose and do those things that are best for your wives,
whether you like them or not, without regard to the way they
treat you, following the example of Christ as He loved the
Church and gave His life for it."=++

To wives, God says, "Wives, submit yourselves unto your own
husbands, as unto the Lord" (Eph. 5:22).=++

So, in God's plan, the husband is to dedicate himself to his
wife and do good for her; and, by submitting to him, she is
to allow her husband to do good for her.=++

How are these biblical roles in marriage applied to the area
of decision making?=++

The Scriptures teach that the husband is the head of the
wife (Eph. 5:23), and that the wife is to be subject to her
husband in all things (Eph. 5:24); so the husband is
responsible, before God, for all decisions that affect his
wife.=++

In day-to-day application of biblical roles, l suspect that
most husbands allow their wives to make decisions, and that
most husbands allow their wives to make some decisions that
they think are less than the best.=++

For instance, a good Christian husband will allow his wife
to make decisions with regard to running the household. He
will trust her to decide wisely overall; and he will not
overrule individual decisions of which brand of laundry soap
or peanut butter to buy, just because he thinks that she is
not buying the best brand. Instead, he will eat, without
complaint the brand of peanut butter that she buys.=++

Other husbands, some of whom are Christians, in shirking
their responsibilities, allow, and sometimes even force,
their wives to make decisions for which their wives are not
qualified.=++

A good manager develops the talent of his employees by
giving them responsibility, by allowing them to make
decisions, and by refraining from overruling them except
when necessary. He "goes along" with many decisions that he
believes are poor.=++

The Scriptures teach that agape love is not proud ("not
puffed up"--1 Cor. 13:5), and that agape love is not selfish
("seeketh not her own"--1 Cor. 13:4).=++

If a husband is not proud or selfish, but wise, he will
utilize his wife's talents by delegating some decision
making to her in accordance with the amount of
responsibility that is best for her.=++

Of course, if he loves her with agape love, he will not dump
responsibilities on her out of laziness or irresponsibility,
and he will not abdicate his responsibilities.=++

If a decision of his wife is not morally wrong, if it will
not harm her spiritually, morally, emotionally, or
physically, or harm someone else, or break their budget,
then a Christian husband may allow his wife to make
decisions that he deems to be wrong.=++

On the other hand, if he overrules her too frequently or
criticizes her decisions, she may lose her self-confidence,
feel as if she is being treated like a child, lose heart,
become bitter, or rebel against his authority. In contrast
the husband in Proverbs 31:10-31 must have utilized and
developed his wife's talents wisely; so that he had no fear
of her judgment when "she considereth a field, and buyeth
it" (Prov. 31:16).=++

When a Christian husband makes decisions, if he is neither
proud nor selfish, then, in accordance with what he deems to
be best for her, he will honor his wife's judgment seek to
make decisions that are best for her, seek to fulfill her
desires, and allow her to make some decisions.=++

And if a Christian wife is not proud, and if she is not
selfish, then she will not insist that she is right nor try
to get her way. Instead, she will want decisions to be made
that are good for him and his growth as a Christian man, and
that are in accordance with his wishes. And she should
cheerfully accept his decisions and stand by him when his
decisions prove to be wrong.=++

On some subjects, and on many occasions, the wife will have
more knowledge or better wisdom than the husband. Only pride
will make a husband think that he knows the most about
everything every time; and only selfishness will cause him
to demand his own way in everything.=++

If the husband is wise, he will solicit his wife's opinions,
listen carefully, and value her opinions. If he does, and
neither one is proud nor selfish, quite often they will
arrive at decisions that are not consciously the idea of one
any more than the idea of the other.=++

If a Christian husband loves his wife with agape love, and
she loves her husband with agape love, then neither will act
out of pride or selfishness. Instead, each will prefer that
things be done according to the good of, and the wishes of,
the other person.=++

What a contrast in marriage between mutual agape love and "I
know best" and "I want everything my way!" What a contrast
to compromise!  In compromise neither gets everything that
he wants to get, both give more than either wants to give,
and neither is happy.=++

Submission is not inequality. Jesus submitted to the Father,
and He is equal with the Father (John 10:30). Also, the
teaching of scripture is clear that there is no distinction
between male or female before God (Gal. 3:28).=++

Submission is not silence; but, when a Christian woman
submits to her husband, it includes treating him and talking
to him with the honor of the position that God has given him
(Eph. 5:33).=++

What is submission? For all believers. not just wives.
submission is obedience to God and a way of life (Rom. 13:7;
Eph. 5:21; 6:1; 6:5).=++

Submission for wives is obeying God (Eph. 5122-24): it is
loving God (John 14:15); it is trusting God's purpose in her
life (1 Pet. 1:7), even when the situation is difficult; and
it is trusting Him to work all things together for her good,
even when things seem bad (Rom. 8:28,29).=++

Submission for wives is working in partnership with God for
her husband's eternal good regardless of his present
spiritual condition (1 Pet. 3:1), it is demonstrating a
Christlike character to her husband, and it is bringing
glory to God (Matt. 5:16).=++

Paraphrased, God says, "Husbands, be devoted to your wives,
provide the right atmosphere for them to grow in Christian
womanhood, and shelter them from those things that would
harm them or be too strenuous for them."=++

And paraphrased, God says, "Wives, let your husbands do good
for you; and trust Me that l will work all things together
for your good (Rom. 8:28,29), even when your husband does
not love you as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for
it."=++

Biblical roles? Obey God and trust Him for the results. If
both of you follow biblical principles, the marriage will be
good, both of you will be modelling godliness for your
children, and both of you will bring glory to God.=++

If only one of you lives his/her biblical role, that one
will grow in godliness, that one will be a model for your
children and others, that one will bring glory to God, and
that one will be rewarded by God (2 Cor. 5:10).=++

But how much better it is when two are one in their desire
to please God and to obey Him in living their biblical
roles.=++

Copyright 1986 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical-counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed free or at cost, and if=+
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