REST FOR FRUSTRATED, ANGRY PARENTS=+
Are you becoming frustrated because you are trying to
control your children with your voice?=+
by=+
Wendell E. Miller=++

Q. I love my children very much; but often I lose my temper,
yell and scream at them, and become so frustrated and angry
at their disobedience that I am afraid that I might harm
them. What can I do to control my anger?=++

A. There may be some very simple things that you can do to
increase your ability to cope with stress, and it is
worthwhile to consider them.=++

First, are you getting enough rest? You are responsible for
the way you act no matter how tired you are, but it is
easier to behave in a godly manner if you are not unduly
fatigued.=++

Mothers of small children tend to work long hours and seven
days a week, lose some sleep during the night when one of
the children is awake, and then think that they have to do
their housework while the children nap.=++

To get more adequate rest a mother should 1) take a nap
while the children nap, 2) teach the children to entertain
themselves part of the time so that she can do the
housework, 3) teach them to keep their own things in order,
4) teach them to be helpers with household chores, and 5) be
content with a house that is reasonably well-kept, rather
than striving for one that is immaculate.=++

The financial situation of some two-parent families (and
nearly all one-parent families) is such that, at least for a
short time, the mother must work outside of the home.=++

However, some mothers are excessively tired because the
family has been made a slave to things that they "must" have
as one or more of the family members have been taken captive
by the lures of advertisers.=++

Consider your attitude toward people who are presently in
your life and those who were in your life in the past. If
there is resentment and unforgiveness, then this stress
needs to be removed from your life.  Pray and forgive--
release the penalty of all offenses to God (see "How Should I Deal with Anger?" and "Is Forgiving Forgetting?" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

Resentment and unforgiveness can cause fatigue and thereby
make it harder to react biblically to irritations. Also, it
is quite common for bad feelings toward one person to be
vented against another person. For instance, a woman who
must work outside the home may resent her husband because
she must work outside the home--and she acts these feelings
out as an irritable and angry mother.=++

With regard to parental anger, you must not yell or scream
at your children, and you must not punish them while you are
angry.=++

An obvious way to avoid yelling and screaming at your
children and punishing them while angry is to avoid becoming
frustrated and angry.=++

Winners do not become frustrated and angry. Winners do not
"tip over the checkerboard." It is losers that become angry
and frustrated. So, to avoid frustration and anger, become a
winner at being a parent.=++

To become a winner at parenting, you must have a plan (God's
plan), you must be confident in your plan, you must be
determined to follow through on your plan, and you must be
disciplined in following through on your plan. You may lose
a few battles, but you will be confident that you are going
to win the war.=++

God's plan for child rearing is "nurture and admonition."
Biblical "nurture" means structuring your children's minds
and actions (see "Child Rearing--Don't Just Take Anyone's
Advice" and "Bringing About Biblical Child Rearing" in the
Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

One way to be a winner and to avoid parental frustration and
anger is to use positive as well as negative incentives to
structure your children 's actions (see "Dare I Spank My
Child?" in the Q&A Counseling Articles index).=++

One positive incentive is to structure your children's
actions in life's daily duties.=++

You can do this by establishing a chart of personal-care
and/or household-help duties, and then giving a weekly
reward based upon faithfulness in doing the assigned duties.
For small children, stars or stickers on the chart serve as
an effective daily incentive without money; but, even at as
young an age as five years, stars plus pennies may be more
effective than stars alone.=++

The use of a duty chart with rewards can change morning
chaos to peaceful order and reduce the workload of the
mother throughout the day.=++

In order to obtain the maximum benefits from the duty chart,
1) make the child responsible for reminding himself to
fulfill the duty, rather than your reminding him and nagging
him; and 2) train the child in good stewardship of his
finances by training him to give to God's work and to save
for larger purchases.=++

Warning! Do not condition him for credit buying by agreeing
to buy things for him and letting him pay you back out of
his future earnings.=++

There is another way to avoid parental frustration and anger
and to avoid punishing while angry: Punish before you become
frustrated and angry.=++

If you are a parent who knows of no other way to structure
your children's behavior than spanking, it is quite likely
that you will not punish them until you are frustrated and
angry.=++

The solution to the problem is to be creative in using some
punishments and in punishing consistently.=++

For instance, you may determine that a certain behavior is
punishable by the child standing or sitting with his nose in
the corner (five minutes for a smaller child, ten minutes
for a larger child). Then, if by his disobedience he chooses
to spend time in the corner ten times each day, it is his
choice. Why should you get upset?=++

Instead of being upset, you should be calmly confident that
you can and will punish him consistently until the
unbiblical habit pattern is corrected. You are winning!
Winners don't get frustrated and angry.=++

However, a word of warning after the bad behavior habit is
broken, he will come back and try you in a week or two to
see if the rule is still in effect. Apply the small
punishment immediately, and you will reassure him that it
is.=++

But if you are a parent who knows no other way to punish the
child except spanking, then, when he misbehaves, you will
try to evaluate the severity of his misbehaviour to
determine if it is bad enough to require spanking this time.
Quite likely, you will decide that it is not bad enough to
spank this time. You will be somewhat irritated that he has
misbehaved, and you will be somewhat frustrated that you
have not corrected his misbehavior.=++

It is quite likely that your child is testing the rule to
see just how bad he can be and still avoid being spanked. So
having established that he can get by with a certain level
of misbehaviour, he will try it again.=++

Each time he misbehaves below the misbehaviour level that
has been established as meriting a spanking, you will become
more frustrated, become more angry, and perhaps yell at him
in a louder and more angry voice.=++

Perhaps he will learn just how angry you have to be before
there is danger of being spanked. If so, after you have
thoroughly lost your patience, after you have yelled or
screamed at him in a voice that discredits Christianity
among your neighbors, and after you have a splitting
headache, then he will obey you.=++

Or, you will go through a cycle of increasing frustration
and anger, spanking out of anger, feeling guilty for
spanking out of anger, perhaps being plagued with fear that
someday you will harm the child when you are angry, and then
starting the cycle of frustration and anger again.=++

Use positive incentives and small and consistent
punishments, as taught above, to avoid becoming angry. But,
if you do become angry, exert self-control and avoid acting
angrily. The anger is not a sin, but actions that result
from anger can be sinful.=++

Also, avoid errors that are being taught by the world--and
even by some Christians. For instance, venting your
frustration and anger by attacking, and perhaps damaging, an
inanimate object (beating a pillow or even breaking an
object) 1) is an exercise in losing self-control; 2) may
include thoughts of physical harm toward a person; 3) may
result in violence against a person sometime in the future
as a habit pattern of reacting violently is established; and
4) is nothing more than an adult "temper tantrum."=++

Another error of the world to avoid is "scream therapy."
Temporary relief from frustration and anger by uncontrolled
and irresponsible behavior can only result in having poorer
self-control in the future. God's answers to anger do not
include sessions in which the frustrated and angry person
practices a lack of self-control.=++

When you have a problem of becoming angry with a child that
has disobeyed you, remember that it would not make "two
cents' worth" of difference whether the child obeys you or
not--except that God has told him to obey you.=++

So who is the child really disobeying? God, of course. Then
why are you angry rather than being saddened that your child
is rebelling against God and (figuratively) shaking his fist
at God? Is it not that old sinful pride that we all have in
such abundance? To quench parental anger, confess the root
sin of your anger to God.=++

Consider this prayer, "Lord, I am angry at my child because
he didn't obey me. But, Lord, my child's sin is really
against You. In comparison to my child's sin of rebelling
against Your commandment, his offense of disobeying me is
nothing. If it weren't for my sinful pride, l would be
sorrowful instead of being angry; and if it weren't for my
sinful selfishness I would be more concerned for my child's
relationship with You than for my feelings. So please
forgive me for my sinful pride and my sinful selfishness,
and cleanse me from being so prideful and selfish."=++

You can "bring your children up in the nurture and
admonition of the Lord," if you make it a priority in your
life and if you devote sufficient time, thought, energy and
prayer to it. And you can have a home in which there is
love, honor, obedience and peace; but it will take work and
diligence.=++

Copyright 1986 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical.counsel.org=++

May be reprinted and distributed in quantities if distributed free or at cost, and if=+
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