Q. We have been blessed of God with a lovely child. We want to do everything that we possibly can to bring this little one up to live a life that is pleasing to God. However, the books that we are reading, even those written by Christian authors, seem to have differing ideas on child rearing. How can we know what is right?
A. It is easy to understand your confusion. Some books on child rearing are directed to specific principles of child rearing; some books emphasize one principle so strongly, while neglecting other equally important principles, that their truth is out of balance; and some books on child rearing, even some written by Christians, are colored by secular philosophies such as humanism or behaviorism.
The thing that will help you the most is to have a biblical framework into which all principles of child rearing can be placed.
Then, with a biblical framework for child-rearing principles, you will be better equipped to determine whether the teaching of a given book is biblical and so will fit into the biblical framework. You will also be able to determine where the teaching of that book fits into the biblical framework, and also be able to decide whether or not that book emphasizes one principle of child rearing so strongly (while ignoring equally important truths) that truth is being presented out of balance.
In addition to using this biblical framework of child-rearing principles to understand and to evaluate books on the subject, you can use this biblical framework to evaluate your performance in rearing your children and to make improvements in your parenting.
God has given a biblical framework for child rearing in a single Scripture verse; and all biblical principles of child rearing fit into this biblical framework. The verse is Ephesians 6:4.
Ephesians 6:4 is divided into two commands; and the two commands are separated by both a colon and the word "but" in the King James Version. The command preceding the colon and the word "but" tells parents what to avoid; and the command following the colon and the word "but" tells parents what they must do.
Fathers, because they have the final responsibility for the family (not that mothers are excluded from child-rearing responsibilities), are commanded to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord."
"Bring them up" is the basic, overall command to parents. It is obvious that child rearing is a process, a process that takes 20 years or so. Parents are responsible to do everything that is included in the command to "bring them up."
The basic command to "bring them up" is divided into two subcommands. The first of these subcommands is translated "nurture" in the King James Version, and the second is translated "admonition."
The key to understanding God's plan for parenting is included in the Greek word that is translated "nurture." However, it appears that translators have had considerable difficulty in being able to find an English word that conveys the full meaning of the original language.
This apparent difficulty in translation can be seen by noticing that the same Greek word of Ephesians 6:4 that is translated "nurture" in the King James Version, is translated "discipline," "instruction," "training" or "chastening" in other versions.
The underlying concept of the Greek word that is translated "nurture" is "structuring." Further, structuring of both mind and actions is included in the underlying concept. The fact that the meaning of the Greek word includes structuring of both mind and actions can be seen in Acts 7:22 where a verb form of the sameroot word is translated "learned."
Notice in Acts 7:22 that Moses was "learned" in all of the wisdom of Egypt; and that he was "mighty in words and in deeds." That is, his mind had been structured; and his actions had been structured.
Some scholars believe that Moses was drawn out of the river by a princess who had no heirs, and that Moses was brought up to be the next pharaoh. If this is so, then it can be assumed that Moses knew several languages, that he knew how to conduct trade and treaty negotiations, that he knew how to conduct wars, that he knew how to build pyramids, and that he walked and talked like a pharaoh.
However, whether or not Moses was brought up to be the next pharaoh, it is clear that both his mind and his actions were structured; because the text says that he was "mighty in words and in deeds."
So, the full concept that is included in the word "nurture" in the King James Version is to structure the mind and the actions of your children.
It is difficult to include this concept of structuring in an English translation without the translation being awkward. "Nurture" is preferable over "discipline," "instruction," "training" and "chastening"; because "nurture" can be understood to include structuring of mind and actions. In contrast, all of these other words exclude some part of structuring both mind and actions.
Because of the difficulty in presenting the total meaning of "nurture" in a single English word, a paraphrase can be helpful. Then after studying the paraphrase given below, you will think of the full concept of structuring whenever you read of "nurture" in Ephesians 6:4.
"And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up, structuring their minds and actions with child-rearing principles that are of the Lord, and admonishing them with truth that is of the Lord."
As indicated in the preceding paraphrase, the words "of the Lord" probably refer to the source for "nurture" and for "admonition." That is, the Bible is the authoritative source of principles that parents are to use for structuring the minds and actions of their children; and the Scriptures are the source of truth by which they are to admonish their children.
The command to not provoke children to wrath can be understood by noticing that Ephesians 6:4 is written on opposite sides of the word "but." Typically, the word "but" connects two parts of a sentence that, in some way, oppose, or are in opposite directions, to each other.
Thus, the "provoking" that precedes the "but" is opposite to the "nurture and admonition of the Lord" that follows the "but." This means that the way to avoid provoking children to wrath is to "bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord." When parents structure their children's lives with biblical principles of child rearing and with admonitions from God's truth, the children do not become insecure, then resentful, and finally wrathful.
Some parents seem to think that "nurture and admonition" are equivalent to spanking and yelling. Some parents yell a while, and then spank when their patience is gone. Others only yell; and the children seemingly learn to ignore even the loudest screaming. Then there are strict disciplinarians who spank for every kind of offense.
God has said that the parent who loves his children spanks them at times (Prov. 13:24); so those who accept the Scriptures as God's Word must accept spanking as being a part of biblical "nurture and admonition." However, biblical "nurture" includes more, much more, than spanking. It includes every biblical principle for structuring the child's mind and every biblical principle for structuring his actions.
Now with regard to "admonition," as mentioned earlier, biblical "admonition" consists of warning children from God's Word. Biblical "admonition" informs children of the consequences of disobeying God and of disobeying parents. It tells them what will happen "if"--because God says so.
Remember that God has given parents a biblical framework for understanding biblical principles of child rearing. Remember that every biblical principle for structuring the child's mind, every principle for structuring the children's actions, and every biblical admonition fit into this framework.
Now, as you read a given book on child rearing, make a list of the child-rearing principles that are taught, listing chapter, page, principle, and Bible reference, if any, under categories of: 1. structuring of mind, 2. structuring of actions, and 3. biblically admonishing.
Test each teaching of that book with your knowledge of the sin nature of man. Does the teaching of that book deny the sin nature? If so, reject it; the book is teaching humanism.
If scripture references are included, read each reference carefully to see if that supposedly biblical principle actually is taught in the reference.
Then examine the list of principles that you believe to be biblical. Do they include principles for structuring the child's mind, do they include principles for structuring his actions, do they include biblically admonishing him?
If not, you may need to supplement the teaching--of that book with another that is more complete or better balanced in its teaching, use a different book for your primary source of child- rearing principles and use the first book as a secondary reference, or reject the first book entirely.
As you test the child-rearing principles that are taught in various books, and as you place the proved principles into God's framework for biblical principles of child rearing, you can know how to rear your children by biblical "nurture and admonition."
Also, as you consider the principles that you use, and as you place them into God's framework for child-rearing principles, you can improve your parenting by including more biblical principles.
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