Q. My unsaved husband will not allow me to tithe or to give to Christian work. I believe that the Scriptures teach that I should give to the Lord's work; and it is so much my desire to give. What should I do?
A. From your question it can be assumed that you understand the biblical command that a wife submit to the authority of her husband (Eph. 5:22-24). Also, you state that you believe that you should give to Christian work. So you face a problem in which you cannot be obedient to both scriptural teachings.
Further, it can be assumed that your desire to give is to honor the Lord Jesus, and that your desire is to honor Him, not only in your giving but also in your whole life.
Jesus said, "If ye love me, keep my commandments" (John 14:15). The Scriptures also teach, as you know, that wives are to submit to their own husbands, as unto the Lord (Eph. 5:22). So obeying your unsaved husband with regard to Christian giving is one way you have of loving Jesus.
On the other hand, no matter how much you want to give, and no matter how strong your belief that you should give, you cannot give without direct rebellion against the authority of your husband and direct disobedience against the Scriptural command to submit to your husband.
The Scriptures provide a principle that applies directly to your desire to give to Christian work and your belief that you should give. In Paul's writings we read, "If there be first a willing mind, it is accepted according to that a man hath, and not according to that he hath not" (2 Cor. 8:12).
It seems clear that your only biblical choice is to obey your husband and to rest upon this biblical teaching that God will honor your desire to give to the same extent as if you were able to give.
Of course, there are some instances in which a Christian wife should not submit to her husband. If her husband should tell her to shoot the president of the United States, it is clear that she must disobey him; and there are some Christian women who have grievous situations to face with regard to submission. However, biblical counselors hear of relatively few instances where a Christian wife should disobey her unsaved husband, and especially so where the wife has been submissive both in actions and attitudes.
If a Christian wife rebels against her husband's authority, she is setting up a battle line over his authority; and she should expect him to try his authority with other decisions that may be more difficult to obey. Usually, it is best for the Christian wife to obey her unsaved husband; and, if appropriate, plead with God that her husband will reverse his stand.
A Christian wife's submission to her husband is a matter both of obedience to God and trust in God. It is God that has told her to submit to her husband; and, in submitting, she is trusting a sovereign and purposeful God to work for her good, even through trials.
We know that God is sovereign over the affairs of mankind. The Scriptures teach that God can change the king's mind, or an unsaved husband's mind, like rivers turn back and forth (Prov. 21:1). So an unsaved husband cannot make any decision or say any unkind words without the permissive will of God.
Together with God's sovereignty, Christian wives need to remember that a purposeful God has allowed their husbands to make a particular decision for their good (Rom. 8:28). In some way, He wants to conform the Christian wife to the image of Christ through this difficulty with an unsaved husband (Rom. 8:29). God wants her to act and react in such a manner that He will get the glory (Matt. 5:16), and that someday He will be able to say, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" (25:21).
In addition to God's purpose in a Christian wife's life, perhaps a sovereign and purposeful God has purposed to save her husband through the behavior of a godly wife. At least, we know that He has commanded Christian wives to be silent witnesses to Him through their submissive spirits. We read in 1 Peter 3:1, "In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives" (NASB).
Perhaps God is allowing your husband to tell you something about your marriage relationship. Perhaps your husband has been trying to tell you about problems in specific areas. Have there been problems in your marriage that have left your husband with deep resentments against you or against your church?
God knows that there will be serious difficulties in marriages in which one is saved and one is not; and that is why He has established the principle that believers marry only believers (2 Cor. 6:14). We should expect major problems between two persons, one with an old nature, and the other with both the old nature and the new nature. It is inherent that they will be pulling in different directions, that they will have different goals, and that they will have different priorities.
But a Christian wife, in many respects, should be a better wife to an unsaved husband than an unsaved wife. She has the new nature, she has the indwelling Holy Spirit, she should be more submissive than a non-Christian wife, she should be less selfish than a non-Christian wife.
When Christian wives have the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (Gal. 5:22,23), generally speaking, unsaved husbands are quite pleased with their wives, and they do not make decisions that cannot be obeyed by their Christian wives.
However, whenever an unsaved husband indicates that he is displeased with his wife's church or other Christian activities, the wife should examine herself to see how she is performing as a wife.
First, has she recently become saved? Has she become so caught up in enthusiasm for her new faith and her church that her unsaved husband would feel that he has lost a wife?
If she has been a Christian for a number of years, has she taken on so many church activities that he is left alone when he would rather she be with him? Or has she taken on positions of leadership in the church that threaten him as the leader in the home, or in the community, or that would threaten him if he were to go to church with her?
New Christian or old, has she made prayer requests about him, or embarrassed him in some other way so that he has built up resentment against her, her friends, and/ or her church? Or has she spoken well of him?
What position does her husband have in the home? Does she direct the children to her husband as the authority in the home; or would the children be shocked if she said, "Go ask your father"'?
What place does he have in his wife's life? Are the children being put ahead of him? The marriage relationship is to be permanent; and the parent-child relationship is to be temporary; so the spouse, whether saved or unsaved, is to take precedence over the children.
Perhaps your husband will tell you the things that he holds against you; or perhaps he has told you many times. Consider his accusations carefully. If there is any truth at all to them, ask your husband to forgive you. Then, start being the wife that you should be.
Perhaps you will decide that you are as good a wife to him as any Christian woman could be to an unsaved husband. If so, we know that a purposeful God has allowed your husband to make his decision; and God would not have allowed your husband to make that decision if He were not able to use it for good in your life.
Sometimes Christian wives think that a biblical counselor is not being fair when he tells the wives how they must relate to their unsaved husbands. But it is God who has told wives to submit, it is God who gives sustaining grace, it is God who is conforming them to the image of His Son, it is God who can, and does, transform unsaved husbands into saved husbands, and it is God who will say to many, many wives of unsaved husbands, "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" (Matt. 25:21).
Your primary tasks are to love God, to show your love for God by being a good and submissive wife, and to trust the sovereignty of God to work good in your life as you obey Him.
The money involved in your Christian giving is of small consequence in relation to what God wants to do in your life, what he may do in your husband's life, and what He may do in your children's lives as they see you modeling a Christian wife who is faithful to the Lord and submissive to an unsaved husband.
And if as a result of your sweet attitude in submitting to your husband, he reverses his original decision that you are not to give to your church; then you can obey both the command to submit to your husband and the command to give to your church. It happens. We pray that it will in your life!
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