MARRIAGE ROLES IN BIBLICAL BALANCE=+
by =+
Wendell E. Miller=++

God's will is for Christians to esteem His entire Word, and
to both understand it and obey it in biblical balance. 
However, all too often Christians fail either to understand
biblical balance in marriage roles or to be willing to obey
God.=++

God has given five basic principles for marriage that are to
be obeyed, not because a husband or wife "feels like it,"
and not because the other person "deserves it," but because
God commands obedience.=++

Practicing God's five principles for marriage means obeying
God, loving God, and trusting God whether or not it is easy
or "feels good."=++

A first one of these five biblical principles is given in
Ephesians 5:22-24.  God says that wives are to submit
themselves to their own husbands "as unto the Lord," and
they are to be subject to their husbands "in every
thing."=++

If this one truth is accepted and practiced in a marriage,
and an equally important truth is misunderstood, ignored, or
rebelled against, that marriage falls short of God's
will.=++

A second biblical truth is: "Husbands, love your wives, even
as Christ also loved the church, and gave Himself for it"
(Eph. 5:25).=++

To understand God's command that husbands love their wives,
we must recognize that the word translated "love" is
"agape."=++

Inserting the meaning of "agape", we paraphrase:  "Husbands,
each of you must dedicate yourself to your wife and to her
good.  You must purpose and do those things that are best
for her, whether you like her or not, no matter how she
treats you, even if it kills you, just as Christ dedicated
Himself to the church and gave His life for it" (Eph.
5:25).=++

We can find further light on the husband's role in marriage
by considering the thirteenth chapter of 1 Corinthians.  As
we read "charity" or "love" we need to understand that God
is speaking of "agape" love.=++

Agape love does not seek its own--it is not selfish (1 Cor.
13:5).  Instead, agape love is directed toward the good of
the other person.  Therefore, for a husband to love his wife
in accordance with God's command in Ephesians 5:25, he must
unselfishly dedicate himself to doing what is best for his
wife.=++

Agape love is not puffed up--it is not proud (1 Cor. 13:4). 
A husband is not loving his wife as God has commanded him to
do if he is so proud that he will not let his wife have a
thought or an opinion that does not agree with his.=++

By commanding that the wife submit to her husband, God has
placed on husbands the responsibility for all decisions.=++

Let's put the husband's leadership and the wife's submission
in biblical balance:=++

1.      God has given the husband the leadership role for the
        good of his wife, not as an excuse for him to be proud
        or selfish, and not as an excuse to treat her as a
        servant.=++

        Some husbands do not seem to understand that yelling
        for food or beverage service while they are watching a
        sports event on TV and while their wives are scrubbing
        the kitchen floors on their hands and knees does not
        reflect biblical truth in balance.=++

2.      God has not said the husband must, or should, make all
        decisions in his family.  If a husband wants to please
        God, and if he loves his wife with agape love, he will
        delegate some decision making to her--she has brains
        too.=++

3.      God has not said that the husband must make decisions
        without obtaining input from his wife--she has brains,
        too.=++

4.      God has not said that the husband must make decisions
        according to his wishes, nor even according to his
        wisdom.  Instead he must make decisions that are best
        for his wife.=++

        If the husband is not proud, he will not think that he
        is always right--his wife has brains, too.  If the
        husband is not proud, he will seek her input before
        making decisions-- she has brains, too.=++

        If the husband is not selfish, he will not want his
        way, but instead will desire to please his wife.=++

        God has not made him the leader in the family to feed
        his ego, or to satisfy his selfishness, but for her
        good.=++

5.      If husband and wife disagree, if he is not proud, and
        if he is not selfish, he will be willing to go along
        with her ideas and her desires--unless it would hurt
        her or someone else spiritually, emotionally, or
        physically, or unless what she wants is prohibitively
        expensive.=++

6.      However, again keeping biblical truth in balance, if
        she is not proud, and if she is not selfish, she will
        not think that she is always right, and she will not
        want her way.=++

7.      If the wife considers the leadership role that God has
        given her husband, she will recognize that God wants to
        give her husband the insight and wisdom that he needs
        to lead the family--she will look to her husband for
        leadership.=++

8.      Obeying God and loving his wife with agape love
        includes the husband assuming his God-given
        responsibilities and shielding his wife from emotional
        and physical loads that are too heavy for her.=++

9.      If a husband understands God's Word in biblical
        balance, if he loves God, and if he loves his wife with
        agape love, he will not abdicate his God-given
        responsibilities to his wife, nor for rearing their
        children.=++

Thus far we have considered two biblical principles that God
has given for marriage.=++

God has given the third and fourth principles of marriage in
the first epistle of Peter.  God says that husbands must
live with their wives (3) "according to knowledge," (4)
giving [them] honor" (1 Peter 3:7).=++

Living with wives "according to knowledge" is much more than
treating them with consideration.  Living with wives
according to knowledge includes: a) creating an atmosphere
in which, in absolute trust, they will reveal their thoughts
and feelings; b) gaining understanding through listening;
and c) doing what is best for them in accordance with
knowledge.=++

If the husband wants to obey God, please Him, and show God 
that he loves Him, he will treat his wifewith respect because 
God commands it.  Treating wives with respect rules out jesting 
that degrades them personally, degrades wives or women in 
general, and/or that degrades marriage (an institution ordained 
of God).=++

The fifth biblical principle is: God commands wives to honor
["reverence" KJV] their husbands (Eph. 4:31).=++

Even though some translations of the Scriptures may give the
erroneous idea that wives should have respect for their husbands, 
God does not command wives to respect their husbands, nor 
does He command husbands to respect their wives.=++

Respect must be earned.  In all too many marriages, it is
impossible for the wife to respect her husband, and in other
marriages it is impossible for the husband to respect his
wife.=++

Instead of commanding respect, God commands treating with
respect.  To honor means to treat with respect.=++

If the wife wants to obey God, please Him, and show God that
she loves Him, she will treat her husband with respect, even
if she is unable to respect him as a person, or respect his
judgment.=++

How do these five principles relate to "being one?"  Too
often, when "two become one," there is a power-struggle to
determine which "one" they will become.  Will they become
him?  Or her?=++

Instead of a selfish and prideful fight for power, they
should become "one" in their desire to please god, in their
desire to serve Him, in their desire to fulfill their
respective roles in marriage, and in their desire to help
each other become more and more Christ-like.=++

Marriage can be likened to two trees.  The husband should be
like the oak tree.  He is to be stronger, and he is to protect his
wife from the winter winds.  She is to be like the
apple tree, not as strong but with a godly beauty,
usefulness, and fragrance.=++

If two trees are too close together, they do not have limbs
all of the way around.  If a husband loves his wife
biblically, he will give her opportunity, space, and
encouragement to develop "limbs all of the way around."=++

If a husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church and
gave Himself for it, he will allow her, give her
opportunity, and encourage her, to develop as a godly and
competent woman in the home, in the church, and in the 
community.=++

Proverbs 31:10-31 speaks of the wife of many virtues.  This
woman heard of a field that was for sale, she considered its
worth, and she bought it (vs. 16).  God commended this wife. 
What about the husband?  Since God was pleased with her, she
had not done this contrary to her husband's will.  Instead,
we can assume that he was encouraging her, and God was pleased 
with him, too.=++

There is a message for husbands.  We read that "Her husband
is known in the gates, when he sits among the elders of the
land" (verse 23).  Apparently, her reputation, and his reputation 
for his wisdom in using her skills and talents, had
led him to a place of leadership in the community--he sat at
the gate as one of the rulers.=++

If a man is wise, he will take his wife as a full partner
and help her develop her talents.  If he really loves her,
as opposed to considering her as a possession to serve his
every desire, he will dedicate himself to helping her
develop as a godly woman.=++

Wives submit?  If a husband is loving her as God intends him
to love her, he will be so unselfishly and humbly dedicated
to her good, and so considerate of God's will for her as
well as her wishes, desires, and opinions, that she will
hardly realize that she is in submission.=++

This is the beauty of biblical roles in marriage.  If
biblical truth is held in balance and practiced, the husband
will be dedicated to doing good for her, and she will
gratefully let him lead.=++

Copyright 1993 by Wendell E. Miller=+
Downloaded from http://www.biblical.counsel.org=++

May be printed and distributed=+
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